I want to thank you all of my readers who have encouraged me with the words,....I read your blog. There's something supportive about that comment that I will miss after today. Thank you for caring about my parents and our family as we have walked this difficult journey.
On Thursday Larita, Angie and I never made it to Pop's house to work cleaning and sorting. I had a crazy pile-up of stuff to do. Like canning 5 bushels of apples into sauce and clean at Pop's house, and keep an eye on Mom.
So I called Angie and asked her to please go see Mom and start without me, so that I could get my applesauce operation at home off to a good start. Meanwhile some Good Samaritans in the form of my niece Janessa and my daughter in law Anna came to help Phebe who I knew would be up to her neck and should not be left alone. I was so grateful for their help.
I then headed in to see Mom. Angie and Larita were there as planned. Mom seemed to be holding her own. She was not taking anything in by mouth at that point, but she would still look at us and follow us with her eyes. We sat and visited for awhile. I still had the house on my mind and felt I should go see to it. Around noon Larita called my attention to the fact that while mom appeared to be looking at us she wasn't really focusing at all. I stopped to look and realized she was right. Just an unfocused stare. But then minutes later she followed again. Angie and Larita walked out then and I intended to follow them out but I stopped, knelt beside Mom's bed and talked to her. Not knowing that this was the last time that she really would zone in and see me. I have no clue what I said to her.
When I walked out I was suddenly overcome with the conviction that the house was of no consequence. It could wait. This very well might be the last day I could spend with my Mom.
So I called Larita and told her what I felt and she agreed, so I ran home to check on my crew and turned around and went right back to Mom. When I got back she wasn't focusing at all anymore. The nurse came in and said she felt that Mom was uncomfortable and agitated and she advised that we should give her a drug to relax her. After listening and observing Mom I recognized that she was turning her head from side to side and showing signs of pain and anxiety. Her breathing was really fast at that point as well. So I agreed to the medicine.
Almost immediately after the drug she relaxed and slipped into a coma. Her breathing had a bad rattle until they came in and repositioned her. So we spent the day there. Watching her breathe fast and realizing that this was really going to be the end. The staff at the Nursing Home was very supportive and kept us supplied with coffee and snacks. They made sure Mom wasn't in pain or uncomfortable as far as was possible. I called Darwin and told him about the rattle in Mom's breathing so him and Eunice came in and I took a quick run home to take pizza to my applesauce crew. Galen and Donna came while I was gone then.
Things seemed to stay pretty much the same with Mom into the evening. After supper a lot of the grandchildren started to filter in until the room was filled and then we sang and it was beautiful. I wish I could remember all the songs we sang, but it ministered to our souls and if Mom could still hear I hope it helped her journey as well.
Darwin was sick with sore throat so they went home at midnight to get some rest. That left Angie, Clifford, Larita, Carrie and I there to watch through the night. Angie was like a sentinel, never allowing herself to sleep a wink lest she miss Mom's passing. I was so tired from getting up early that morning that I finally succumbed to sleep after committing it to the Lord.
I know this is a long post.......bear with me, it was an equally long night.
I think I slept for an hour when Angie woke me saying that she thought Mom was having periods of Apnea. But I couldn't see it, her breathing had probably slowed some, it was much more shallow at that point.
So I sat in a huge recliner in her room and watched her until my eyes could not stay open and I dosed again. Around 3am Larita and Clifford came back in the room and wondered about leaving or not. Larita really didn't want to leave but we all knew it could drag into the next day and so they reluctantly decided to leave.
Soon after they left, around 4am Mom's breathing noticeable started having periods of apnea. I called Darwins again and let them know and Angie and I pulled chairs up beside mom's bed and held her hand and watched and talked. The moments of watching her not breathe were kind of suffocating. I felt like I just needed to breathe for her.
Darwin's and Emma came and we all sat around her bed and talked about Mom and Pop and seeing Jesus and how glorious it was going to be for mom to be free of Dementia. We sat there for a full hour and at the last her breathing just slowed down to longer and longer periods between shallow breaths and than three very small widely spaced breaths later, she was gone. At 6:40am
Everything happened so fast after that. There were tears, but also rejoicing. I found a dress to send with her to the Funeral Home and Darwin, Eunice Angie and I sat in the family room and did some planning while the CNAs prepared Mom's body to leave. I can't say enough about how grateful we all are for the nursing staff at the Home. They had so much compassion and cared so well for Mom and us too. So grateful.
I was so tired.....
There was so much to do, at home, planning and I went to my parents house. While I was there I was overwhelmed with a sense of loss. I went to find white clips for Mom's veil and she always had quite a stash of hair accessories. While I was going through that stuff I realized that I was remembering mom as she was before her Dementia.
Then I made a new discovery.......I'm grieving for two people in the same body. The mom I loved before Dementia. The one that was always there to talk to and have a good time with. The one who loved my children. The one who could rattle off the ingredients of an Apple Pie in an instant. The one who loved to cook, loved to eat out and go shopping. The one who loved to give gifts and never missed a birthday. The one who let me come to her house to sew because it was hard to get it done at home with the kids underfoot. The one who believed in me. the one whose eyes lit up when I walked in the room.
But I also loved the other one.... The one who needed me. The one who didn't know who she was anymore. The one who needed reassurance. Who needed her hand held. Who needed someone to come visit in spite of the fact that her eyes no longer lit up when I walked in. The one who needed us to give her dignity when she no longer had it.
I loved them both....
The sweetest most recent memory I have of Mom was about 3 weeks ago. She was sitting by the window in her wheelchair. I walked in and said hello and gave her a warm hug across her back and she leaned her face against mine. It felt like affection. I think we ministered to each other.
On Sept 5th I went in to see her by myself. She was in bed, but she was awake and paid close attention to me. I talked to her about Pop and that he doesn't come to see her anymore and why he isn't coming. Then I left, she seemed perfectly fine, but then I don't know everything.
I missed my turn on Saturday then to go see her because of other obligations. So then the following Monday the 11th Phebe stopped to see her. When she came home she told me she was horrified about how bad Grandma looked. She said she thinks Grandma is dying. That was the day the Nursing Home called and wanted to meet on Tuesday the 12th.
When I stopped in to see Mom before the meeting. I couldn't stop the tears. She had drastically changed from my last visit. The rest of the story is history now, but I thought back to my last visit when I had told her again about Pop. Did it sink in that time that he wasn't coming back and she made up her mind to go to him?
