Life is One Huge Rat Race

  I can't imagine what life is like for Mom and Dad. Really nothing on their mind that they urgently need to do. They sit and wait for the mailman. The highlight of the day! I barely even know the mailman exists, simply because I fly through the day and pay so little attention. Oh! by the way.....the mailman did bring me something special today! Thank you Uncle Earl for the cd by Tebo and Steph. I'm sure we will enjoy it :)

  I stopped at Mom and Dad's last night to give Mom her shower. Angie had to work so Emma (Darwin's dau.) helped me. They were sitting there happily watching Christy. I decided I really need to stop in when I don't need to do anything, because if my primary reason for the trip is a shower.....well, she is going to hate to see me come.

  I had to go to the dentist today to fill a huge gaping cavity. He ground and drilled and stretched my face with his tools till I wondered what I would look like when he's done but I guess skin does relax back to it's normal position even though it still feels strange. Now we are getting ready to head North to Loyal WI to Matt and Kate's house tonight, then tomorrow we go to the farm Steve's sister Naomi and family live on to help set up a small cabin for Steve's Mom to live in. His Mom is moving from MO. to WI. So we will have both Grandmas in the state. She will be 3 hours north of us, but we look forward to seeing more of her.

  I didn't want to leave everyone without updates. I'm hoping Darwin might have something for us while I am away. I will be back on Sunday evening.

My Dad

    My Dad left Mom with Angie on Sat. while he went to work. He's quite the guy, 85 years old and still has a job. We think he should keep it as long as he feels comfortable with it, because it is a diversion where he can get his mind on something else for awhile. Might help him keep his sanity, so that we don't have two of them to take care of at the same time.

  He has his moments of struggle. It's hard for him sometimes when Mom really acts like she doesn't know him. Sometimes she pushes him away and acts afraid of him. that is pretty hard on him. He has shed quite a few tears already. I see that it is getting a little easier as he adjusts but it is still hard on him.

  I don't know how every family is because I only grew up in one, but I had a really good example of a loving relationship watching my parents. I remember him kissing her in the kitchen. I remember her sitting on his lap in the living room. There was lots of laughter between them quite often. I'm not going to say everything was always perfect, but it was good.

  We used to tease Mom about what a parrot would learn to say living in our house. She often greeted him at the door with, "Where have you been so long?" and "What took you so long?" She took that all in stride and laughed with us. But it was amusing to imagine.

  In 2013, my Dad spent 1 1/2 months in the hospital. Going from Richland Center to La Crosse and on to Mayo Clinic. While he was still in RC, my Mom who had given up driving since she had broken her shoulder a few years before, actually drove in by herself to be with him. I could not believe it. It was then that it really soaked into my mind how much they still were in love and dependent on each other.

  Steve and I took her to La Crosse to see him while he was at Gunderson and I still remember....we took her up in a wheelchair because walking was hard on her back then and she wheeled her chair right up beside his bed and held his hand. You could tell that in the middle of all his problems all was right with his world when she was there holding his hand.

  I'm realizing that it doesn't get easier when you get old. Life is tough. But God is bigger than all our problems.

The Bedroom is Done!

  I feel like I have run a race. The bedroom is done, but the Sunroom looks like a Rummage sale is happening. So, my work isn't done. But Mom's bedroom looks great!

   I also feel like a hypocrite. I decluttered Mom's bedroom and now it looks great and then I come home and see clutter in my own house. Maybe I need new flooring... LOL!

  Sorry there are no before pictures. I never think of taking them until after, and then it's too late. So what you see is what you get. I enjoyed spending the last two days with LaRita. It's been awhile since we spent that much time together. (The last time must have been when Pop was in the hospital 2 years ago) So.... sorry no pictures of that. I had a mission to accomplish and never thought of taking the camera over.

  I do wish I would have thought of pictures. LaRita unearthed some toy trucks from under the bed, still in the packages, that I am sure Mom put there thinking of little boy's birthdays. Merry took them out to her to show her and I followed her intending to ask her about giving them to her grandsons. But birthdays and former intentions were far from my Mother's mind. She wanted Merry to open them on the spot, and not just one of them. ALL of them! So Merry and Grandma played with trucks while we cleaned.

  Merry is a good companion for Grandma. They are about the same age now and can really relate to one another. Merry is 7, Grandma is 83. Grandma smiles and gives her hugs and Merry just loves her.

  Angie and I took time to give Mom her shower before Angie had to leave for work. LaRita gave her lunch, after that Mom's mood changed and she cried a lot. None of us were able to figure out what was bothering her. I was afraid it was all the cleaning and moving things, but I don't really think so. When LaRita said goodbye to her, mom hung onto her hand and wouldn't let go. Then after she left she cried some more. I thought maybe pictures would make her happy, but it only made her worse. She looked at pictures of herself and bawled more, then when she saw pictures of my Dad she covered her face with her blanket.

   I finally suggested to Dad that a drive might help, so he took her. I walked with them out to the van and she was sniffling the whole way out there. I felt so sorry for her cause she has no way to communicate what she is struggling with.

   They went all the way down to Muscoda past our old place on Indian Creek and then into town past the place where Grandma and Grandpa used to live. It must have helped because she came back in a much better frame of mind. I explained to her then that Darwin was coming down soon to put in new flooring in her bedroom and all the furniture would have to come out. She smiled and seemed pretty happy about that. She had wanted new flooring for a long time, so maybe she remembers.

 

Visitors and unexpected projects

  LaRita and Clifford came up for a visit today. They showed up after lunch. I wasn't there when they got there so I don't know how Mom reacted. Mom was quite mellow today. She just sat in her chair and didn't interact much. Exept to give Merry several big hugs.

  The floor covering in their bedroom is really bad, so Darwin decided to put in a cheap Linoleum for now. We need something in there that will mop up easily. So my job was cut out for me today. I have to get the room empty so all that can be done. Angie was there to help this morning and then LaRita helped me after lunch.

  I found lots of books and lots of old pictures. I didn't have a lot of time to browse through photo albums, but I flipped through here and there and I am sure I saw all of you. I found a picture of Lester with a big white beard that made him look like Grandpa Kropf. Pictures of Grandpa and Grandma Kropf taken in Ill. and some later ones after they moved to Muscoda. One of Earl, Lester and Mom when they looked waaaaay younger! The grandchildren that are "old folks" now all piled on the couch looking like little kids :) 

   Tomorrow I go back again to finish up. There is still stuff to do. This evening I am worried that disrupting the room by moving so much stuff out will upset Mom's apple cart. It's really tough to know how much she cares. Do I use my own head and unclutter or will she be so much happier if I let it be?

Mom's doing good today!

   Mom has been so much better the last few days. She slept very good last night. Even though she has had a few disrupted nights recently. Like sitting in the bathroom in the dark for awhile. But she has been much more relaxed and happy lately.

  We have been enjoying her happy attitude and hope this is a nice trend that will last a long, long time.
Darwin took his guitar down last evening and sang some songs for her. She had a request for him, some song about prayer that they never did get figured out. They tried to have her write what she was wanting but they still couldn't figure it out.

   

                                                    Mom trying to write her choice of song.
  

Mom and Darwin

She's Still Mom, Written by Darwin

  Watching all the changes in Mom and trying to encourage Dad in it all makes our mind go down memory lane a lot...and all that Has taken place in life,
Sometimes words come in poetic form...

~Darwin


She cooked our food and washed our clothes
She washed our hair and cleaned our toes
She was Mom, and was there when we learned how to walk
She was Mom with an ear, when we needed to talk

She was Mom with a grin and said go get your own stick
I knew what was coming, and wished I'd been sick
But payday was here and I'd crossed over the line
But Mom knew what it took to make a boy shine

The guy's had told me that hunting deer was such fun
So Mom saved the cash and bought me a gun
She listened with interest as I said what I'd  just done
How quick that deer dropped, the first shot from that gun.

She was Mom that loved to laugh and have a good time
But furniture polish on the floor was not the place for a shine
My Sister and I  thought the plan worked quite well
But She was Mom, and things got stern for a spell.

She was Mom, and there's plenty more that I could say
But Time is taking it's toll and changes are on the way
Things aren't quite the same and her voice is now gone
But we love and care for her, cause she's still Mom.

I go down at night to get her settled in bed
She smiles and makes motions but not a word gets said
She still teases a lot when it's time to take pills
And gave new meaning to yodeling is one of the ill's

Her eyes twinkle and her face still shines when I say
If you give me your hand, I'll take time to pray
She holds on so tight and sometimes won't let go
But she's our Mom, and we love her, she's still helping us grow.

She's teaching us patience and the need for more grace
We're learning that sometimes she simply needs space
So we love and we serve and do the best that we can
All the while knowing, It's part of Gods plan

 This morning Steve and I are running down to Metamora, Il. to the Choice Book office for Staff meeting and to load up more books. I always love to go there. We see lots of great people down there. So I will be gone today. I didn't think ahead or I would have gone over to visit my parents yesterday.

   Mom and Dad went out to eat yesterday with Angie and Kristin and Donna and her girls. They sent me pics to post here.

Everyday is different

   Mom had a good day yesterday, which means Pop did too. He called me at 11:30 when he realized that it wasn't Kristin's day to be there. For those of you who don't know, Kristin is Angie's daughter. We asked her some months ago to do cleaning, etc at Pop's house and so she has been going 3 days a week. She has been a lifesaver. I very much appreciate what she is doing there. She also combs Mom on her days there. So three cheers for Kristin. you are a God-send.

  So I went over before lunch, Mom was sitting in her chair looking at a cookbook. She put her cookbook down to get her hair combed but afterward I asked her what she was looking at, So we went through it together. She wanted Cinnamon Rolls and Chicken. I told her I would ask Angie to make the rolls and I checked their freezer for chicken. I found some drumsticks and put them in the Slow Cooker for supper.

  Usually Darwin runs down in the evening to make sure Mom takes her pills and gets into bed. But he has prayer meeting on Wednesday nights, So I filled in for him last night. When I got there she was in her chair and both her and Dad were in a good mood. The first thing I did when I got there was check the Crockpot to see if they remembered to eat the chicken for supper. They didn't. It was still cooking on high getting pretty dried up around the edges, but very tender. So Dad said they would each have a piece right then. I wasn't too sure what that would do to Mom's bedtime, but who argues with their Dad?

  Mom loves chicken, but she gave me a scare and almost got it stuck in her throat. I think I will take her chicken off the bone and cut it up next time. I took hers to the kitchen when I saw she was having trouble, but she took a drink and then got Pop's plate and hung on for dear life like she wouldn't let go. I brought her another bite of her own and then she was fine.

She went to bed willingly and I snuggled her in and gave her a goodnight hug and we all were happy as a lark. I called Dad this morning and he said, "We did nothing but sleep all night."

Mama is a Girl Again

Mom had another bad night last night. She went to bed but then got up and went to the bathroom. She locked herself in and wouldn't let my Dad in. He said she wasn't yelling or anything so he just let her be. He went to his chair. She apparently was holding the one bathroom door shut because he couldn't get in and he said the one lock doesn't work.

At some point he heard a noise and went to investigate. She was standing in the hallway just outside the bathroom door, looking out the window in the door that looks out toward Darwin's house. When she realized he was watching her she slipped back into the bathroom. She came back to bed at 2:00am. I'm not sure if she went by herself or if my Dad helped her back in.

My Dad said today that in the night Mom thinks he is someone else. Angie and I were there after lunch today for Mom's shower. Angie told Dad she spent 10 years taking care of people with Dementia. She said after you spend 8 hours with them you feel like you are one of them. My Dad wearily agreed. We did get a good laugh out of that one. I know he knows what she is talking about.

    When he came home today he tried to talk to Mom and reached out a hand to her. She just kind of eyeballed him and kept her hand back.
    I knelt beside her chair and asked her, "Mom, do you know who he is?"
  She kinda grinned at me and then leaned forward with big eyes and a naughty smirk and held her hand up beside her mouth and gave a big dramatic whisper,"ROBERT."
 I was like, Whoa! How does a woman who can't talk pull that one off?

Well, the truth is Our Mama is a little girl again! And boy do we love her. She is so naughty sometimes, but she is also easy and friendly at other times, with a smile and a twinkle in her eye. I wonder.....maybe Uncle Lester knows. What was she like when she was little?

Mom's Primary Care Giver

The Next Generation

   Life is so interesting. I spend time with my parents and then I visit my Grandchildren. Being with Mom and Dad puts an ache in my heart. When I am with my Grandies, my heart sings with hope! I wonder how God sees it all. I know getting old and dying was not God's perfect plan, and yet this sin problem didn't take him by surprise, he has chosen us in him (Jesus) before the foundation of the world, Eph.1:4   

  Then my mind goes into a whirl similar to what Solomon's did in Ecclesiastes. I'm not claiming to be as wise as Solomon. But I find like him that nothing we run after is really that important but to Fear God and keep his commandments. 


  If I were planning it I would allow old people to choose their departure date and go out in a blaze of glory rather than this slow painful ending where we lose our minds or our ability to function. But I know that our fate was settled in the Garden of Eden when we chose sin rather than obedience and this is the price we pay. God never intended life to be painful. He never wanted us to encounter death. But here we are. And for the record I do not believe euthanasia is a way out. We went the wrong direction way back in the beginning there is no purpose in taking the wrong supposedly "easy" way out now. I watched my horse be euthanized and it was so very, utterly sad. And yes, you guessed it, I mourned the loss. My children still remember.

One generation shall praise Your works to another, Psalms 145:4

 Yesterday Matt and Kate and little Lincoln were passing through, so I asked my Dad to bring Mom over to see them. I got this picture of them with Lincoln. I wish I would have thought to ask Matt and Kate to step into the picture too.

Steve and I with our 3 Grandbabies. They delight us and give us hope for the next generation. From left to right. Blake (Luc n Anna's) Lincoln (Matt n Kate's) and Kaiden (Luc n Anna's)

  I stood on the porch and watched my parents leave yesterday afternoon. Mom waved goodbye with a big smile on her face. Last evening Darwin and his oldest son Donavon went down to say goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa because Donavon and his little family are heading back to Haiti today.

  Darwin said Grandma seemed to be in a more rational frame of mind and was happy to have her picture taken with Donavon.

Donny and Grandma before he left for Haiti

She Always Wants to go Somewhere

Yesterday Darwin went to the folks and put child proof safety covers on the doorknobs. So last night the doors were secure. Mom did get up and wander though. Pop woke up and she was missing from bed so he looked around the house and then alerted Darwin that she was missing. When Darwins came down they found her in the guest room sitting on the floor with her back against the door. How she got into that position and why is a mystery.

 This morning she got all dressed for church and Emma went down to comb her, but then when it was time to put on her sweater and go she refused when my Dad wanted her to get out of her chair. So he decided to stay home thinking she might be a problem at church. They listened to the service on the phone. Part way through he left the room and as soon as he left Mom got up and managed to open the front door. She went out and climbed into the drivers side of the van. When my Dad found her she locked the van so he couldn't get in and kept her finger on the lock so he couldn't unlock it with his key. He finally did get it open and took her to sit with him on the porch swing.

  Kristin brought lunch for them and she ate well. After lunch she was settled in her chair and he left the room for just a moment and she gets out and heads for the door again. He decided to just watch and see what she does and where she goes. This time she walked out past the van, looking down towards Darwin's house. He said she waved a couple times and then picked up a stick and walked through the yard some. He then called Darwin for help to get her back into the house. When Darwin came down she went in willingly.

  I really wonder what goes on in her mind. In what part of her past is she living? Is she playing hide and seek with her cousins of long ago? Or where is she? Who is she waving at? She listens better to Darwin and I then to my Dad. In the night it seems like she is afraid of him. But during the day she seems to not listen on purpose.

She Still Remembers Jesus Name

Mom doesn't talk, so she can't quote John 3:16 or tell me what she thinks and feels. But I am certain of one thing. Jesus has not forgotten her.

Having Old Parents Isn't For Wimps

Years ago Mom had a book titled, Getting Old Isn't for Wimps. I'm starting to believe that having old parents isn't for wimps, Although the truth be told, I am a wimp. I am doing things I never wanted to do and I rely on God to get me through and help me face each day.

 My Dad works at the dump, (recycling) on Saturday mornings from 10am to 2pm, He sits there and flattens boxes mostly,  Mom isn't trusted to stay by herself anymore. You never know what would happen! She has been staying with Darwin and Eunice from 10 am until Angie and I can get there after lunch to take her home and do her shower.

Yesterday Eunice called me and asked how soon I can get there because Mom was starting to smell kind of strong. Things were getting a little too much for them so Darwin decides not to wait on me and went to Mom's house just down the road and got her a fresh Depend, That's when they discovered that she never had one on in the first place. I don't have to tell you what happened to Eunice's couch, Poor Mom, I almost didn't write about this because I know she would be horrified if she knew what happened. But it appears like that part of her brain isn't working much.

How much does Mom know? I'm never sure, I asked her one day if she understands everything we say and she said, No. Sometimes she seems confused. Sometimes she seems like a mischievous, naughty little girl that just did something she knows she shouldn't have, Like when she stole the keys from the van and hid them in her dress. I wondered if that was a flashback from when Dad was sick in 2013 and we hid the keys from him because he was wanting to drive again before he was really able.

Right now she slips out daily when Pop is preoccupied with other things and crawls in the van. Usually the drivers seat. He has been pulling the keys now. We are worried that she would actually try to go somewhere. Who knows where that would be.

She seemed unsettled and anxious when we picked her up to go home for her shower. But settled down nicely after we got her in her chair, She ate some lunch, including a nice piece of Chocolate pie. She has always loved pie, On Friday morning Merry's reading had a story about a mom and daughter making pie. So of course she wanted to make pie. We decided to go to Grandma's house to make the pie because Grandma likes pie so much.

Mom's shower went really well, I enjoy working with Angie. She knows what to do and we have a lot of good laughs, I don't think I could do this job without her, It is God that gives these wimps the ability to do what they didn't know they could. That's found somewhere in the Bible isn't it?

Today is done

I am at my parents house tonight to be with Mom in case she has a bad night again. Last night she couldn't sleep. My Dad said she got really agitated and started yelling and rocking in her chair.

We had decided to give her Melatonin to see if it would help her sleep better. It worked fine the first night, but she was very, very tired. The next night my Dad wasn't sure she even took the pills. She has slipped pills down beside her in the chair already. Tonight she went to bed like a lamb. So I am hoping she sleeps all night. I am not looking forward to hearing her yell or trying to keep her from escaping out the door.

Things took a turn for the worse when last week my Dad woke up at 11:00pm and couldn't find my Mom. He called my brother Darwin, who lives just down the road and so he and Eunice rushed down here to help and they spotted her sitting in the middle of the road. She was in the clothes she went to bed with. Otherwise known as a slip and barefoot, cold and miserable. Eunice said she had a look of panic in her eyes. She has tried several times since to leave the house. We are trying several options to make so she can't get out undetected again.

 I talked to one of the cashiers at Walmart who said her Mother-in-law walked 2 miles barefoot at 2:00am to the old home place. I guess the past is calling them. I don't think I would want to relive the past, but maybe the mind erases all the hard days and only keeps the pleasant memories. I know that if we ever leave the house we built and carved our lives out of I will always have happy memories, because I love that place.

My sister Angie and I gave Mom a shower today. I was grateful for her help, Angie has a lot of knowledge about personal care and Dementia because of her work as a CNA.

Little Girl Therapy

   Yesterday my Dad and Mom came over so I could comb Mom and then were here over lunch time. After lunch she didn't want to leave and so I told my Dad if he wants to go to town and do whatever he needed, she could stay with me.

   Merry did a super job in entertaining her. I am so blessed that she can have this time with her Grandma. I'm sure Merry does not remember Grandma as she was before her Dementia started.

   She introduced her to our little bunny, Snow White and our 3 legged cat, Tripod. Merry is still working on learning to read, so she brought her reader over to Grandma  and read to her. You won't believe how amazed I was that  when Merry didn't know a word, she would ask Grandma what it was and Grandma would tell her! I was SO EXCITED! She wasn't exactly clear in her pronunciation but Merry understood her.

   We started using cards with the words, "yes" and "no" on them so that Grandma can have some way to communicate with us,, because mostly she will not say words other than an occasional name and then yesterday when she "helped" Merry read. So Merry had lots of fun asking Grandma yes and no questions.

  Grandma turned her down on helping her with Math. But she pointed to yes when Merry asked her if she can count money.

Merry reading to Grandma

When Did Mom's Dementia begin

 Who can tell when it all started.....That first little degeneration of brain cells? Maybe decades ago. I am becoming very aware of every time I myself fumble with a word, or try to find the right one out of the alphabetical list in my mind. Is this dreaded Dementia beginning its work in my own brain? Will my children one day be walking these very steps with me that I take with my Mother? I pray not.

  It is heart rending, and it makes me cry.....

  She seems to be caught in a middle place between reality and no man's land. She seems to know that something is wrong with her, but she doesn't know what. She looks at me with desperation in her eyes. But she cannot talk. She can't say what she feels. She is trapped inside of herself.

In 2012 she was at a friend's house and she had a fall. She could still talk back then and she told us she thought she had a stroke. (An MRI has since ruled out a stroke) She very gradually began to lose her ability to speak. At first she just struggled with word choice and getting a word to come out right. But it continued to get worse.

In January of 2013, my Dad got very sick with Influenza. He had a previous bout with Bowel Cancer and though he had been clear for many years, his bowels were very fragile due to multiple surgeries and scar tissue, hernias, etc. He ended up in Mayo with numerous visits to the operating room. We expected to lose him then. But he miraculously pulled through. The Dr.s had told us we would have to be giving him around the clock care. Now he is giving Mom around the clock care.

After 60+ years of marriage. My parents are still very much in love!

In the above picture, Mom could still talk pretty well. We wondered why but never thought she would go completely mute.

   Life goes on, we go about our business, and one day we realize that when we spend an evening with my parents,  Mom isn't talking. She sits and smiles and laughs at all the jokes, but doesn't talk. She still is very with it. But doesn't communicate. I miss it. I wish I knew what she thinks about anything. I want to sit down and visit with her. Sometimes she calls me on the phone and it's frustrating because her speech is garbled and I don't know what she is saying. So I talk to her. I tell her everything I did that day and everything I plan to do. Sometimes she gets one word out. It usually is, "come." I don't always go. Now I'm sorry. Now I wish I would have run to her every time.

  My Dad hopes that she will get better and gives her Brain Food. But nothing gets better. We get a call from him one Sunday.

 "There's something wrong with Mom. She just won't sit still." 

We go to see. She swings her feet and turns her head from side to side in constant motion. Her hair is a mess. Personal hygiene is a thing of the past. My Mom who always had neat hair and clean appearance, is looking messy and unkempt and the worse thing is she doesn't even care. But she seems happy all the time and is constantly smiling.

  We took her to the Doctor. We ended up doing an MRI. The results that came back said she doesn't have any indication of having had a stroke. But they diagnosed her with Dementia.

God's Promise to the Aged, (and their children)

  Even to your old age, I am He; and even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; Even I will carry, and will deliver you. Isaiah 46: 4

  For I am God, and there is no other; I am God and there is none like me, Declaring the end from the beginning. And from ancient times things that are not yet done. Isaiah 46:9-10