The End of Our Journey Together

  I'm sad to post for the last time tonight. I started this blog with a purpose for mom's family, because I knew this day would come. When we would have nothing left but memories and we would need a little help to say, remember when mom.........

   I want to thank you all of my readers who have encouraged me with the words,....I read your blog. There's something supportive about that comment that I will miss after today. Thank you for caring about my parents and our family as we have walked this difficult journey.

  On Thursday Larita, Angie and I never made it to Pop's house to work cleaning and sorting. I had a crazy pile-up of stuff to do. Like canning 5 bushels of apples into sauce and clean at Pop's house, and keep an eye on Mom.

  So I called Angie and asked her to please go see Mom and start without me, so that I could get my applesauce operation at home off to a good start. Meanwhile some Good Samaritans in the form of my niece Janessa and my daughter in law Anna came to help Phebe who I knew would be up to her neck and should not be left alone. I was so grateful for their help.

  I then headed in to see Mom. Angie and Larita were there as planned. Mom seemed to be holding her own. She was not taking anything in by mouth at that point, but she would still look at us and follow us with her eyes. We sat and visited for awhile. I still had the house on my mind and felt I should go see to it. Around noon Larita called my attention to the fact that while mom appeared to be looking at us she wasn't really focusing at all. I stopped to look and realized she was right. Just an unfocused stare. But then minutes later she followed again. Angie and Larita walked out then and I intended to follow them out but I stopped, knelt beside Mom's bed and talked to her. Not knowing that this was the last time that she really would zone in and see me. I have no clue what I said to her.

  When I walked out I was suddenly overcome with the conviction that the house was of no consequence. It could wait. This very well might be the last day I could spend with my Mom.

  So I called Larita and told her what I felt and she agreed, so I ran home to check on my crew and turned around and went right back to Mom. When I got back she wasn't focusing at all anymore. The nurse came in and said she felt that Mom was uncomfortable and agitated and she advised that we should give her a drug to relax her. After listening and observing Mom I recognized that she was turning her head from side to side and showing signs of pain and anxiety. Her breathing was really fast at that point as well. So I agreed to the medicine.

  Almost immediately after the drug she relaxed and slipped into a coma. Her breathing had a bad rattle until they came in and repositioned her. So we spent the day there. Watching her breathe fast and realizing that this was really going to be the end. The staff at the Nursing Home was very supportive and kept us supplied with coffee and snacks. They made sure Mom wasn't in pain or uncomfortable as far as was possible. I called Darwin and told him about the rattle in Mom's breathing so him and Eunice came in and I took a quick run home to take pizza to my applesauce crew. Galen and Donna came while I was gone then.

  Things seemed to stay pretty much the same with Mom into the evening. After supper a lot of the grandchildren started to filter in until the room was filled and then we sang and it was beautiful. I wish I could remember all the songs we sang, but it ministered to our souls and if Mom could still hear I hope it helped her journey as well.

  Darwin was sick with sore throat so they went home at midnight to get some rest. That left Angie, Clifford, Larita, Carrie and I there to watch through the night. Angie was like a sentinel, never allowing herself to sleep a wink lest she miss Mom's passing. I was so tired from getting up early that morning that I finally succumbed to sleep after committing it to the Lord.

 I know this is a long post.......bear with me, it was an equally long night.

  I think I slept for an hour when Angie woke me saying that she thought Mom was having periods of Apnea. But I couldn't see it, her breathing had probably slowed some, it was much more shallow at that point.

  So I sat in a huge recliner in her room and watched her until my eyes could not stay open and I dosed again. Around 3am Larita and Clifford came back in the room and wondered about leaving or not. Larita really didn't want to leave but we all knew it could drag into the next day and so they reluctantly decided to leave.

  Soon after they left, around 4am Mom's breathing noticeable started having periods of apnea. I called Darwins again and let them know and Angie and I pulled chairs up beside mom's bed and held her hand and watched and talked. The moments of watching her not breathe were kind of suffocating. I felt like I just needed to breathe for her.

  Darwin's and Emma came and we all sat around her bed and talked about Mom and Pop and seeing Jesus and how glorious it was going to be for mom to be free of Dementia. We sat there for a full hour and at the last her breathing just slowed down to longer and longer periods between shallow breaths and than three very small widely spaced breaths later, she was gone. At 6:40am

  Everything happened so fast after that. There were tears, but also rejoicing. I found a dress to send with her to the Funeral Home and Darwin, Eunice Angie and I sat in the family room and did some planning while the CNAs prepared Mom's body to leave. I can't say enough about how grateful we all are for the nursing staff at the Home. They had so much compassion and cared so well for Mom and us too. So grateful.

  I was so tired.....

  There was so much to do, at home, planning and I went to my parents house. While I was there I was overwhelmed with a sense of loss. I went to find white clips for Mom's veil and she always had quite a stash of hair accessories. While I was going through that stuff I realized that I was remembering mom as she was before her Dementia.

  Then I made a new discovery.......I'm grieving for two people in the same body. The mom I loved before Dementia. The one that was always there to talk to and have a good time with. The one who loved my children. The one who could rattle off the ingredients of an Apple Pie in an instant. The one who loved to cook, loved to eat out and go shopping. The one who loved to give gifts and never missed a birthday. The one who let me come to her house to sew because it was hard to get it done at home with the kids underfoot. The one who believed in me. the one whose eyes lit up when I walked in the room.

  But I also loved the other one.... The one who needed me. The one who didn't know who she was anymore. The one who needed reassurance. Who needed her hand held. Who needed someone to come visit in spite of the fact that her eyes no longer lit up when I walked in. The one who needed us to give her dignity when she no longer had it.

  I loved them both....

  The sweetest most recent memory I have of Mom was about 3 weeks ago. She was sitting by the window in her wheelchair. I walked in and said hello and gave her a warm hug across her back and she leaned her face against mine. It felt like affection. I think we ministered to each other.

  On Sept 5th I went in to see her by myself. She was in bed, but she was awake and paid close attention to me. I talked to her about Pop and that he doesn't come to see her anymore and why he isn't coming. Then I left, she seemed perfectly fine, but then I don't know everything.

  I missed my turn on Saturday then to go see her because of other obligations. So then the following Monday the 11th Phebe stopped to see her. When she came home she told me she was horrified about how bad Grandma looked. She said she thinks Grandma is dying. That was the day the Nursing Home called and wanted to meet on Tuesday the 12th.

  When I stopped in to see Mom before the meeting. I couldn't stop the tears. She had drastically changed from my last visit. The rest of the story is history now, but I thought back to my last visit when I had told her again about Pop. Did it sink in that time that he wasn't coming back and she made up her mind to go to him?

More On Mom

   Yesterday was a full day. I met Larita and Angie in the Nursing home to see how Mom was doing. When we got there her breathing was very labored, but they soon brought in oxygen and there was a noticeable difference. She relaxed and even looked at us.

  We left then because Larita had come to help us go through things at the Pop's house because Darwin's are remodeling and there's too much stuff in the way. We worked until about 3:30 and then ran in to see mom again. She was much the same.

  I had asked the nurse for sponges that we could moisten her mouth with and Angie tried using a straw to drip water in her mouth. But since she can't swallow it just made her cough and make choking noises. She has a lot of phlegm down there.

  At this point no one knows how long it will be till she is gone. It has only been a little over 2 months since Pop died so I'm tempted to think maybe she did realize he wan't coming in anymore and she lost her will to live. Although in reality the natural progression of Dementia is that in the last stage the brain breaks down to the point where they forget how to swallow. Which is the stage my mom is at

  I have long dreaded this stage of Dementia. Knowing all along that it would come to this and we would have to watch her slowly die. My prayer for her is that she will go quickly and peacefully. My comfort lies in the fact that Dad is waiting for her on the other side. I can see him now. Waiting with eager anticipation.

  Darwin sent me this song yesterday......it couldn't be more fitting.

"Send Your Best Angel For My Momma"

The Singing Cookes

(Chorus)
Would you please send your best angel for my mama?
I don't want her to make this journey all alone.
Would you send the same one you sent for Daddy?
To make sure that my mama makes it home.

When it's time for you to call my mama,
Would you please take special care with her?
And dear Lord, would you let her die easy?
She has suffered so much here on this earth.

(Chorus)

I know she'll be a perfect angel.
She has been a perfect mama to me.
And when it's time for me to come to join them,
Lord, just send that same angel for me.
And I believe He will.....(this phrase is spoken)

It's Time To Come Back

  The blog has been calling me. It's time I come back with the continuing story of  Mom. We now have a rotating schedule between us local of Mom's kids so that she gets a visitor everyday. It's not etched in stone, but we know if we skip a turn one day we better not skip the next one. We have a guest book there that tracks our progress.

   Even though Mom seems largely unaware that Pop no longer comes to see her. It does seem like not having regular visitors may cause anxiety issues.

   I like to take her on little wheelchair journeys through the nursing home and out in the courtyard, if she happens to be in her wheelchair already when I get there. I don' t know if she likes it or not, but I do. It makes me feel like I'm doing something for her. So now I push my Mom out on the very same halls that I used to push my Dad in on.


   It doesn't seem like Mom changes a lot. Her stares get blanker and her reality dimmer, but in very tiny, minuscule increments. A few days ago the nursing home called and notified me that her lab work is showing that she is dehydrated. For right now we are choosing to have the nursing staff make an effort to get more fluids in her, hoping to avoid a hospital stay for IV treatment.

  A few days later now........the Nursing home called to set up a meeting to discuss Mom's care. Steve and I were there a half hour early, so we spent that time with mom. She was noticeably worse than shen I was in a week ago. I had missed my turn on Sat because of other unforeseen obligations.

   Last time I was there she was in bed but she woke up and looked at me. She knew I was there. Today she was laying in a fetal position, her eye that I could see was half opened, but she didn't stir or respond to me at all, even though I talked to her, held her hand

and rubbed her back. The only time she reacted at all was when I turned her music on. Then she moved around a little, but still didn't respond to me.

  After our meeting we went to see her again and she was in the dining room, but she was sleeping in her chair. I don't think they will get her to eat anything.

Old People Are a Treasure From the Past

    I have been avoiding coming back here.


   The biggest problem I face is that I am at a loss for words. I can't seem to come up with the right ones to describe how I feel. Does it make sense that I feel like my emotions are frozen?

   I miss my Dad, most of the time. But sometimes life becomes so normal that I almost forget that he is gone. Until I go to his house. Then it hits me full in the face. The house is empty. There's stuff there. His cane, His papers, his phone, his van is in the driveway with the air slowly leaking out of the back tire. His flowers are still blooming. Like they haven't been told that there is no one there to bloom for.

  I want to go back soon and face up to myself. To clean the house again till it looks as close to normal as it can, because I know most of it has to go. I want to spend a day there by myself and be sad. To say a real goodbye and not be hurried by the details of life like I have been since the day he died.

 Going back to the nursing home to visit mom without him the first time was hard, really hard. I could still envision the back of his head while I pushed him in the wheelchair. I could replay our conversations in my mind as we went. I could still hear his agonized cry when we left again, telling me how hard it was on him to see mom that way, and to recognize that she almost never knew him anymore.

  I think that was when he gave up on living. He knew that she really didn't know. He knew that we would keep going and keep caring after he was gone, and so he was ready. This world was too much for him. He was tired and wanted to be done here.

  I overheard him one day telling Angie that he loves his children but there is no love that is quite as strong as the love of a companion. He was missing mom's affection. It is no longer there. She cannot give it, because her brain doesn't remember.

  Old people have become a treasure to me. I love to see the white hair, the crinkles in the faces, the hands with brown spots on them that still show remnants of strength.

More on Dad...

It has been too long since I posted. Much of our focus has been on caring for Pop, since Mom's needs are being met at the nursing home.

  I will try to get you all up to date.

  After one week at my house and two at Darwin's we decided to give it a shot to let Dad go back home so that he could sleep in his own bed. He seems to be doing fine with that. I felt like he never totally relaxed at my house so when he went back home I think we were both relieved.

  So now Angie and I take 3 days of the week and split them up to be responsible to take him in to see mom and then make sure he gets supper. Darwin's take three days as well. He eats lunch at Darwin's most every day and then on Sunday we take turns again.

  His biggest health issue right now is shortness of breath and his ankles and feet swell up very bad. He gained 14lb in fluid weight since he left the hospital. So the DR. put him on a fluid pill and when I took him back to the DR a week later he had lost 4 lb of fluid. They did a blood test and found that he is very anemic, so then on Wed I took him to the hospital where they admitted him as an outpatient and gave him 2 units of blood.

  I didn't check in with him today but he was more alert and talkative on the way home when I picked him up after his transfusion, so I am thinking he may have more energy for awhile.

   Life at it's best is unpredictable........

  As I was typing these words my phone rang. It was my dad's phone number on my caller ID, but when I picked up it wasn't his voice I heard but Ellamae's saying Grandpa was in intence pain and they had called the ambulance.

  I got there on the heels of the ambulance, she was right, he was in extreme pain. At the ER they gave him 12ml of Morphine before it let up but then it was still almost more than he could take.

  They did an xray and found he had a perferated bowel that the DR said would take emergency surgery to correct. He wanted to transfer him by medflight but the weather was so bad that they had to use ground ambulance.

   We ran home to change and get more clothes because I anticipated a long hospital stay. Darwin's opted to stay home because they have so much going with the Haiti Benefit Auction coming up this weekend.

By the time we reached the hospital at LaCrosse Pop was unconscious and barely breathing. It was hard to believe when they told us it would be only minutes until he was gone. We stood there beside his bed Steve and I and held his hand. His breathing slowed way down and his heart rate was dropping. Steve prayed a short simple prayer asking God to take him into glory and then he was gone.

  It's all so fresh right now as I write. I know there will be many sweet memories and tears, but for now, I'm just so glad I could be there as he left this old world behind. Just as he was longing to do and begging God to take him home in these last few weeks.

  Till we meet again Pop.......I look forward to seeing you on the far side of Jordan. I love you. You finished well. Rest in peace.

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Update On My Dad

    Last Tuesday I brought Pop home to our house to stay for a week. He can do a lot for himself. But he still needs someone to make sure he eats right and takes his meds, and he needs to be reminded to keep his feet up. He still has a lot of swelling in his feet.

    On Wed. I took him to see the DR. He seemed to think Pop is doing ok. He does have Pulmonary Hypertension. The Doc said this means he has high blood pressure in his lungs, even though his blood pressure otherwise is ok. They have him on an expensive blood thinner because he has the potential of developing blood clots in his lungs.

    For an old man who just got over a pretty bad illness we did an awful lot of running around this past week. The same day I took him to the Dr. we also stopped at Wal Mart. He wanted to go in and ride one of the electronic carts. I'm going to be very careful not to repeat that scenario anytime soon. He totally freaked me out with all his close calls of plowing over other shoppers and crashing into displays. Oh, my! I was caught between bursting with concealed laughter to having a heart attack.

   I took him to visit Mom three times during his time at my house. It was heartbreaking everytime. He tries so very hard to connect with her and get her to acknowledge him, and then when we leave it is so hard for him to go and leave her behind.

   He is spending this week at Darwin's house.



   I have been feeling an awful lot like Solomon when he wrote Ecclesiasties. Watching my parents age and realizing that we are only 30-35 years behind them. To be honest it depresses me. I echo Solomon's sentiments. Depending on which translation you read...King James says All is vanity and vexation of spirit. New Living Translation says, Life is meaningless.  But then I also believe his end conclusion, Fear God and keep his commandments, this is the whole duty of man. And since I have been very confused in years gone by about being obedient to all God's commandments because people often add a lot of rules I thought I would clear things up with God's final say.

  Romans 13:10, Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God's law.


    Just when I start getting depressed about the cycle of life then I get blessed by having my grandchildren show up at our door over the weekend and then this week from Tues until Friday.

  Their fresh, sweet, young faces give me courage to believe and keep on going. They amuse me  with their funny little ways and make me laugh. 

My newest delight with this little one is that she sings with me....it is absolutely heart warming.

The Warrior Rises Again

   The last few days Pop has showed a lot of improvement. He has been through a lot in the past 20 years. Each time he has a crisis we wonder....is this the end of his journey, but each time he has rallied again to continue on. Each time he loses some ground but he has a determination that always has gotten him back on his feet thus far.

   I personally thought forsure he couldn't weather this one out. Monday was his worst day. Roger's and Maynard's came that night. The next morning Clifford's showed up as well. We all spent the day there together. He was pretty confused and didn't talk unless spoken to. I kept giving him water because I thought there was no reason he should have to be dehydrated on top of everything else. Darwin took care of his personal needs and Ella Mae kept her eye on him.She makes an excellent nurse. I get a huge kick out of hearing her boss him around, now that he is getting better.

  The first two nights were really rough for Darwin and Eunice. The second night he kept trying to get out of his recliner but he didn't hardly have the strength to stand. So they asked Steve and I to come stay with him on Wed night. Before we went over I told Steve now he will talk to you if you talk to him, but he won't initiate conversation. Boy was I wrong. He had improved enough that he was talking and telling stories by then.

   We slept on the couches with one eye open to keep tabs on him, but other than getting him drinks and calming him when he dreamed he fell in a bulk tank full of milk, he really was no trouble at all.

   I went back yesterday afternoon and he wanted me to write a tribute for his friend Marvin Hosteler who had just passed away. He had written most of it already but it was mostly unreadable. So I helped him with that.

  On Thursday evening, Darwin and Eunice took him in to the nursing home to see mom. It was very hard on him that mom didn't seem to know him.

                                                            Arriving In Mom's Room

She Doesn't Seem to Remember

Back at Darwin's that same evening Luc and Anna stopped in to see him, Here he is talking to Raelynn, his great-grandchild

 Last evening he told Darwin that he would be able to take care of himself during the night. Darwin should just go to bed. So Darwin took a trusty baby monitor and headed off to bed. Pop was true to his word and did fine. In the morning he took several walks from his chair around the island in the kitchen and back and gave Ella Mae orders for breakfast which she made and promptly ordered him to eat at the table, which he did.

  Interestingly, he has no memory of Roger's and Clifford's being there to see him on Monday and Tuesday. I really think he rallied because of all the TLC he got at Darwin's house and the interaction with the family.

I took Merry in with me to see mom on Friday morning. She rewarded us with big smiles for Merry.

The plan for my dad right now is that Darwin's and us will take turns by the week to keep him at our houses. We all agree that he is not able to stay at his place by himself anymore.

The Last Mile of the Way

  My Dad was released from the hospital on Saturday. He was taken to see mom on his way home. I had gone in to see him at the hospital on Friday and he wasn't looking good at all. I didn't expect him to be sent home anytime soon. He was having a really bad day and told Darwin his day was bad because he couldn't go see mom.

  On Sunday someone went and got him just for fellowship meal. Steve and I ate with him there and then Galen and Donna took him to the nursing home to see mom.

  Dad's way of caring for mom is bringing her a drink whenever he comes in, which is everyday unless he's tied up to an IV. Come what may...he's there. He has made his faithful slow trek through flood waters and ice roads and snowstorms. You can count on it. He will be there.
   Even when I call him and say, "Dad you know the roads could be bad today. You may want to wait to go see mom."
     His typical response was always, "Oh, I think I can make it." And thus far he always has.

  My introduction to a faithful committed marriage started at home, as long as I can remember there was my Dad and my Mom in love with each other. Through good times and bad, they stuck together. My Dad never put a ring on mom's finger because of his view on jewelry but they have a band of love encircling their heart that has influenced my life and I stand in awe of it.

https://youtu.be/xK1HPCeueD0

  Yesterday after lunch I ran to his house to check in on him. He was disoriented and weak. whenever he tried to get up and walk he got dizzy. So Darwin's decided it would be easier to care for him at their house. I went home then with the intention of going to see Mom, but I never got there because Eunice called to say that he was failing and I should come back. When I got there and knelt beside him he was pouring his heart out to God asking for grace on himself, his kids and his grandkids.

 So I leave you today not sure what this day will bring. I'm going in to see mom and then back to dad to spend the day with him as he walks his last mile. I love the man who is my Dad, No he wasn't perfect, just pretty close.

Pop is in the Hospital

At the Hospital this morning

   On Sunday morning Pop came into church late. He came shuffling in looking very tired and slow.

  I kept watching him because he seemed so very tired. He sat there in church with his head hanging. I wasn't even sure if he was hearing a thing that went on.

  He has been very tired since the trip to AR. He sleeps a lot and wakes up confused about what day it is. Last Monday evening, this was the day we came back from AR at 4:30am. He had gone in to see mom around lunch then took a nap after he got home again.

  He was awakened slightly confused around 7 pm by the ringing of the phone. Darwin was calling to invite him to a fireside supper. At first he thought it was Tuesday morning. He drove up the hill to meet Darwin's at the fire, narrowly missing two tree stumps and then drove right over the fire. Thankfully they didn't have the Hamburgers on yet.

  So on Sunday he was still very tired. After church he went to eat lunch with a church family and while he was there he started chilling and breathing very hard. They called Darwin to come get him and then Darwin's took him in to the ER.

   Steve and I were in there this morning when the DR. came in. He was surprised to see Pop sitting up and talking with us. He told Pop, "You are a very sick man"

   He went on to say that Pop has bacteria from his Pneumonia that leaked into his blood. They started him on antibiotics through his IV, and will get him on an oral antibiotic before they send him home

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A Morning Visit With Mom

Mom when I was talking with her

Mom's room

An old relic wheelchair

The entrance to the nursing home

    I missed my visit with mom last week because I was watching some of my grand kiddos, and then later in the week I made that unforeseen visit to Uncle Sam's funeral in AR.

    Then I had a very busy schedule this week so I opted to go see mom in the morning rather than the afternoon, because as the days wear on "stuff" seems to crowd out my intentions.

   So I went early taking Isaiah with me. Mom was in bed when we got there. It seemed unusual to me, I question if that's a good idea. I don't want her to be bedfast before her time. While she's still capable of sitting. At the same time I don't want to deny her a nap if she needs one. So I will need to discuss that with them.

  She woke up almost right away and I sat beside her bed and told her all about my trip to AR and about who I saw there and everything I could think of that I thought she would want to know.

   Most of the time she just looked at me with her blue eyes. I have heard that eyes never get old and I think that is correct.

   It occurred to me that she might like something to watch and so I pulled up some YouTube videos from Tebo.

   I first showed her the one where Tebo and Sheila gift wrapped Uncle Earl and Aunt Donna's house. Then I let her see some of Tebo's music videos. She was very fascinated.

  Just before I left I asked her if she would hold my hand. It took awhile, but she slowly pulled her hand out from behind her neck and took my hand. I was overcome with emotion and the tears came. I put my head down because sometimes tears bother her. So there I was with my eyes squeezed shut, I felt her hand patting mine and squeezing it and patting it again. I felt so mothered. It was a precious moment. I peeked at her and once more saw those blue eyes looking full in my face.

   I was so glad I went that morning.

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Going Back in Time

   Last week I went back in time in the most incredible way. I always secretly liked stories of going back in time, but since it isn't possible in reality I sort of restrained myself. Sort of.....that's why I say I secretly like it.

   But last week going back in time became reality for me, and I loved it! It was bitter sweet, because it took my Uncle's funeral to get me there. I wish it could have been that long overdue visit instead. I have lost a lot of uncles and aunts in the past 15 or so years. I mostly only went to visitations when they were close enough or not at all if they were far away. But when Uncle Sam passed away I really wanted to go because I have so many precious memories of time spent at their house and fun times with my cousins.

  So we, Steve and I decided to take the risk of taking Pop down to AR for his brother's funeral. At 87 it is a bit risky. Pop is a tough, determined person and he thought he would just be fine driving the 12 hour trip straight through. He did okay but he is getting older and things are harder for him. He was pretty tired when we got back. 

  There were so many things that I have forgotten....... I forgot that they sang German songs, My memory replayed the German prayer phrase after phrase, even though I didn't understand most of it. I had a flashback of when I was a child when I heard the words Gnauty Gottes.....and remembered wondering why they were calling God naughty.  I now think that means Gracious God or something like that. 

    When I mentioned to Phebe that Gnauty means Grace, she got that lightbulb look and replied that she now knows the perfect nickname for her little sister Merry Grace.

  They did have a very good message that I could understand, in English. And lovely English singing in perfect harmony as well. Although I can understand all of the PA Dutch, just not when they read, sing or pray in German.

 This is only a small fraction of all the cars that were at the funeral. I tried to be very discreet with photos as I know they don't like having pictures taken.

 I took this one at a distance so as not to be able to tell who is who there.

   I wish I could have stayed longer. To visit all the places my cousins,  Darwin and I used to go to. To once again drive with them through the beautiful winding roads of Eureka Springs. But, since we are not kids anymore and have other responsibilities it just wasn't possible.


  Pop fell today at the bank. He thought there was only one step out of the bank where there was actually two. He had forgotten his cane again. He forgot to take it to AR as well. I thought that if mom was in her right mind she would be making sure he had it with him. I am still learning what he needs.

  He said his chest was hurting and it affected his breathing. Tonight I ran over to see how he is doing and he said he was feeling much better. The pain was better and it was easier to breathe. Darwin calls him every morning and evening, so he will be keeping tabs on him.

I Miss the Mom I Used to Have

   Phebe, Merry and I went to clean Pop's house today. We needed a heat gun for a project at home, and I knew mom used to have one to use when she made cards. So I was looking around to see if I could find it.

   Everywhere I went were memories of who mom used to be. I found a stash of cards that she was so fond of making. I rummaged through her stashes of fabric she planned to use in a quilt or maybe a dress she was planning to ask me to sew.

  I missed her a lot .It's such a strange situation to be in. She is just a shadow of her former self. The only thing that is remotely still like her is her body. Although she has aged tremendously and lost a lot of weight. Her mind is nowhere near who mom is.

  In my minds eye I can still see a mom who cared about my life. Loved her grandchildren, never missed a birthday. Loved to bake pies. Loved to laugh. It's been eons since she called me on the phone.

  She never missed an appointment, always had meals on time. She loved to shop and go out to eat. The best thing about mom was she was always there, and you could always depend on her to have a bucket of ice cream in her freezer. I miss her........

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Mom on A Wednesday

     I met Angie on Wed at the nursing home to visit mom. When I first got there mom was really sober and pretty much just tolerated any try at interaction. It was pleasant that Pop was there because I could at least talk with him.

  When Angie got there she brought mom a cookie. Mom took it immediately and started eating it. I could tell Pop was nervous about it. He watched her like a hawk.

The nursing home has been giving Dad a meal whenever he comes in and feeds mom. Last week one day he had chicken and mom grabbed one of his pieces and tried to eat it. She ended up choking on it. So he's pretty concerned about what goes in her mouth. She is mostly on a pureed diet.

I gave her the soft Teddybear to hold and she loved it. But after she had the cookie she just wanted to bite the bear. Before I left then I gave here an activity blanket they had there in her room. Activity blankets have trinkets to keep them busy. Like pockets, zippers, buttons and different textures to feel. She worked at the zipper for awhile and seemed very interested in the square itself. She loved to piece quilts in the past, it appeared like there was a memory there.

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Are There Any Changes?

  Friends often ask how mom is doing. I find that question difficult to answer. Does she know us? I don't know. Sometimes, but not in the same way. Once again I wish I could see inside her mind. Like I told one friend who asked recently, no one has ever recovered from dementia who could tell us how it felt, or what it was like.

  Mom basically does nothing. She sits all day. Either in her recliner or wheelchair, is taken to the dining room and fed. Her hands are beginning to curl in. She keeps them tightly clenched. She still smiles at kids.

I saw her reach for Dad's hand today. He sat there and held her hand in his big comforting one. I don't know how that affects her mind, but I do think it has to feel normal to her. Even if she doesn't rationalize it.

The nursing home has offered Dad a free lunch for coming in and feeding her and eating with her. I think it is good for both of them.

  I recently read a book about a women who had Early onset Dementia at 50, the title is A Vow to Cherish. It is fiction but very interesting anyway. There is also a movie by the same name. You can watch the whole thing on YouTube. I cried through a lot of it. The book and movie aren't totally alike but both depict Dementia quite well.

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Roses For Valentine's Day

  I ran into town today and we ended up at Walmart. As we walked in I told Phebe that with the weather being warmer and the fact that we were there by ourselves without any kids to watch out for the temptation to spend money would be greater. Kind of like you feel like celebrating for some reason.

   So I told her, "Now don't let me spend money in here on anything that is not on my list" She laughed and committed to at least trying to stop me. Now I am not a big spender usually. But I know the feeling when I really feel like I could :) I learned from Grandma Kropf how not to spend money. You just don't do it. You don't buy stuff you don't need.

   But of course we had to walk right past the men's clearance sale. Everything is on sale there and Steve and the boys badly needed new dress shirts. So yes I did buy one for each of them. We walked on.....the women department has clearance sales too! I stopped, I looked, I longed after a sweater which thankfully was a size to small or I probably wouldn't have resisted. But I walked out of there with nothing!

  I took a quick run past the coffee hoping they had organic, which they didn't, so I was delivered from that temptation right away....no stress!

  We breezed past the Valentine's Day candy but it was so picked over and no dark chocolate, so who really cares. Then would you believe, I was so unprepared for this. I came upon a whole table full of marked down roses! So beautiful! I was so drawn to them. Phebe mentioned that she wasn't doing well at keeping me on task and I told her I was thinking of Grandma and her "Awww! Grandma loves roses" was my undoing. I bought them....and I am so glad I did.

  Mom loved them!

 I knew she likes to hold her flowers so I pulled just one out for her , she held it and looked at it and sometimes she would get a little smile. I liked that.

  Before I left though I traded the rose for a super soft Teddy Bear she has there, because I don't want to leave her alone with a rose. I'm not sure what she will do with it and I don't want her to eat it.

 She held the bear and padded and stroked it. She really liked that too. She likes to feel the softness and that bear is incredibly soft.

  I left before Dad came in, he said he is changing his visiting pattern a little because they want him to feed her in her room. Something about she sticks her tongue out when she eats and they think she is biting it. Dad said someone is coming in to check it out.

Visiting Mom Yesterday

   Angie called me yesterday, right before lunch, and said she was planning to visit mom. Would I like to go too?

   I thought it was a great idea since I needed to take Isaiah to his piano lesson anyway, we would go there first.

  I have been taking Isaiah for piano lessons for the past six months now because he plays by ear and I thought it would be good for him to learn to read music.

I think he is learning. At least I hope he is. He says his teacher likes his music. More often than not though I see him listening to a song and then playing it without music in front of him.

His teacher likes for him to play a new song for her every week. He said she corrected him on his song yesterday where he was playing it wrong at one place. I guess his ears messed up.

  So be that as it may be. I just trust his teacher. If she allows him to play that way I figure she knows what she is doing. She is 85 years old. She seems to be in good health. Maybe teaching and playing piano keeps her mind in good working order.

Mom is 85. I wish she was playing and teaching piano.

When we got there yesterday she was still in the dining room. She had just finished with lunch so we took her back to her room. She was in a happy frame of mind. She was so delighted to see Isaiah. She would just beam with joy and smile whenever she looked at him.

I'm not sure if he is Isaiah in her mind or not. He could be Lucas or Marc to her. He has grown a lot this past year and could look more like his older brothers to her than the little boy he was 4 years ago, when she would have known without a doubt who he was.

We were remembering yesterday that it was 4 years ago that Dad was at Mayo lying at death's door and the Doctors were telling us he would be going to a nursing home, if he ever left the hospital alive at all. They said we must prepare for a new normal. At the very best he would be on a feeding tube.

  They were right about one thing. He isn't the same. He walks with a stoop and is a lot thinner and older. But they were wrong about his quality of life. He is very self sufficient. Basically we clean his house, do his laundry and provide meals in a hit or miss fashion.

When I went to clean his house on Sat. I freaked out a little. I saw his sidewalk was way too icy. When I left it was almost dark and he wasn't home from seeing mom yet. I thought about how horrible it would be if he fell in the dark and couldn't make it into the house and no one would know. So later I called Darwin and they got it salted and taken care of.

  When I think of old people, I wonder, why does life center so much around "us"? Old people still matter. They have real lives and real memories. Why do they get " forgotten"? Why do we look at them as "over the hill" or like a lost worn out shoe left under the bed?

My mom is only a shell of her former self, but she can still smile!

My Dad? He is a rare wonder. I love to hear his thoughts and ideas. He has a good understanding of who God is and I could sit and listen to him and Steve talk for hours.

  I think we could learn something from the old Native American culture when it comes to honoring our elders.

The truth is, we are only one or two steps away from being old ourselves.

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New Years Day, Family Christmas Gathering

  We gathered at the nursing home this year with mom. She seemed to enjoy it. Especially the kids. I don't think she understood that it was our Christmas gathering.

We did our first attempts at a white elephant exchange. I discovered that it's a lot more fun when you break out of your habit of being polite and considerate. But, hey! Mom trained us well to look out for each other....not yank gifts from each other. Next time will be more fun! :)

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Photos

Moms birthday celebration was on a night of a blizzard and only the brave were there. The picture is of her with Darwin and Pop. She is 85 years old.

  I have been reading about how Cannibas oil helps with neuro_degeneration. I wonder......would it help someone like mom? And would it hurt to try?

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