There are some things on this earth that I don't understand. One of those things is Dementia. but I have been around long enough and seen enough to know that pain is good.
My first real heartbreak happened when I was 17 and got dumped by my boyfriend that I really hadn't wanted in the beginning anyway. I was in need of wisdom and I received it through pain. I learned a big lesson about guys and how to walk away. I learned to hold on to my heart and not give it away until I knew the man was for real.
Some of my regular readers will remember that our dog got hit on the road and suffered a broken pelvis. Ah! What a sweet dog she is, but she is not the same. She was always flirting with the road. She had a circuit around our yard that she ran regularly. She always made a huge show of bravery whenever we drove into the lane. Barking vigorously and racing out into the pines valiantly protecting us from some imaginary creature.
After her accident she became a porch dog. Much more subdued and much wiser. She still runs her circuit but she is much more cautious, and since her accident she is a little stiff and can't jump up on us in that annoying way she did before she got hurt.
So was her accident a good thing? Absolutely! She is a better dog today, and so are many of us when life throws pain our way. Another thing I notice about our dog is that she was never bitter or angry. She did the best she could with what she had left. I never saw a dog run like her. In the weeks after her accident she was still regaining the use of her back legs. She could go up a hill just fine, but coming down was awkward. She held both back legs an inch or two off the ground and ran downhill using only her front legs.
There has been other pain God has allowed in my life that put me on my face in the presence of God, where I begged God for help and found that we walk by faith not by sight. Sometimes I took God at his word and stepped out into what appeared like nothingness only to find my foot on solid ground. I learned that in the presence of God there is fullness of joy. God has never let me down. He has given to me way more good things then I ever thought possible in this life and eternal riches in the world to come.
Sometime I might put into words that story as well, but not today. It is not an open book yet. Only suffice it to say that what God tells you in his word is true and that when you prevail in prayer for someone you love more than life, he does answer your prayer and in the process spills some on you as well.
As we see mom continue to get worse, I know there is pain ahead. I dread to see her continue to weaken. To eventually be bedfast. Thinking of the future is much harder to deal with then the present. So can I just leave the future in the hands of God and live today?
Her condition at this moment is that walking is getting more and more difficult for her. We now mostly are transferring her from bed to wheelchair to toilet to chair and then all that in reverse at the end of the day again. Tonight when Angie and I went to put her to bed she had scooted so far down in her recliner that it was impossible to lift her up onto her feet to get her in her wheelchair. Thankfully Steve had gone over with me and he helped get her up.
At this point I don't see a lot of good involved with the pain of watching my Mom leave this world by inches. Someday I may view it differently.
