Yesterday With Mom

  I spent the day with Mom yesterday. She sat in her chair very patiently. I would go crazy sitting in a chair all day. I hope I never get Dementia for my kids sake. Mine too, come to think of it. But I don't think I would want to sit.  But sit she did. I took Merry along and she can be very entertaining so I guess Grandma wasn't bored.

  I spent most of the day cooking. My Dad wanted Chocolate Upside Down cake. So I made that and a double batch of his favorite standby he calls Chems. I think the original name is Graham Jems. But anyway he loves them and always asks for more. I also made meatloaf, Baked Chicken and cooked regular potatoes and sweet potatoes and put most of it in the freezer until my next turn. The rest of the family around here do meals for them too. I just find it easier to do my share when I'm there with Mom anyway.

   Mom reminds me of grandma when I used to spend time with her in her later years. Physically, not mentally. Grandma was always mentally sharp. I remember many a laugh with Grandma because she could understand all the jokes and fun.

   Dementia is really tough. You take care of the body of a person who is no longer there. I don't let myself dwell on it most of the time. But when I do it makes me incredibly sad. I don't believe Mom knows who I am. Maybe once in a great while she still gets a glimpse of reality. But I almost never get that Motherly affection anymore. I was talking to my neighbor one day whose mother had Dementia. She recounted the story of how her mom was staying at her house. One day they were sitting out on the porch and her mom looks at her and starts to say something. My neighbor said she thought they were going to have a rare mother/daughter moment but her mom looks at her and says, "Who are you anyway?"

  My Mom can't talk so I don't expect any verbal recognition but I can tell by her eyes that I am not anyone special to her. That warm sweet flow between us is gone. She used to care about what goes on in my life. She didn't even like when we left for a few days vacation and especially not that I didn't call home. But now she doesn't even care at all.

  I went through some bags yesterday that were in her spare room closet. I found one that she apparently took on the train on their trip to Oregon for Tebo's funeral. Inside there was a poem written by Darwin, found on my other blog.In Honor of Tebo   and the funeral program. I looked at that for awhile and thought of Tebo and how the world is just a bit more lonely knowing that he isn't here anymore. Then I wondered how it is that someone so young is gone and someone as old as Mom is still here when her mind isn't. I hope my readers understand me. If you don't that's o.k. sometimes I don't understand myself. It's a mixed up world with emotions that make sense and don't at the same time.

  I do know that I still know Mom and I still have the warm affection for the person she used to be and that it is my offering of love to her to care for her and make sure I fill my share of her care by doing the things that keep her comfortable. I miss her though and sometimes I wonder if I really remember who she was.