Pop is in the Hospital

At the Hospital this morning

   On Sunday morning Pop came into church late. He came shuffling in looking very tired and slow.

  I kept watching him because he seemed so very tired. He sat there in church with his head hanging. I wasn't even sure if he was hearing a thing that went on.

  He has been very tired since the trip to AR. He sleeps a lot and wakes up confused about what day it is. Last Monday evening, this was the day we came back from AR at 4:30am. He had gone in to see mom around lunch then took a nap after he got home again.

  He was awakened slightly confused around 7 pm by the ringing of the phone. Darwin was calling to invite him to a fireside supper. At first he thought it was Tuesday morning. He drove up the hill to meet Darwin's at the fire, narrowly missing two tree stumps and then drove right over the fire. Thankfully they didn't have the Hamburgers on yet.

  So on Sunday he was still very tired. After church he went to eat lunch with a church family and while he was there he started chilling and breathing very hard. They called Darwin to come get him and then Darwin's took him in to the ER.

   Steve and I were in there this morning when the DR. came in. He was surprised to see Pop sitting up and talking with us. He told Pop, "You are a very sick man"

   He went on to say that Pop has bacteria from his Pneumonia that leaked into his blood. They started him on antibiotics through his IV, and will get him on an oral antibiotic before they send him home

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A Morning Visit With Mom

Mom when I was talking with her

Mom's room

An old relic wheelchair

The entrance to the nursing home

    I missed my visit with mom last week because I was watching some of my grand kiddos, and then later in the week I made that unforeseen visit to Uncle Sam's funeral in AR.

    Then I had a very busy schedule this week so I opted to go see mom in the morning rather than the afternoon, because as the days wear on "stuff" seems to crowd out my intentions.

   So I went early taking Isaiah with me. Mom was in bed when we got there. It seemed unusual to me, I question if that's a good idea. I don't want her to be bedfast before her time. While she's still capable of sitting. At the same time I don't want to deny her a nap if she needs one. So I will need to discuss that with them.

  She woke up almost right away and I sat beside her bed and told her all about my trip to AR and about who I saw there and everything I could think of that I thought she would want to know.

   Most of the time she just looked at me with her blue eyes. I have heard that eyes never get old and I think that is correct.

   It occurred to me that she might like something to watch and so I pulled up some YouTube videos from Tebo.

   I first showed her the one where Tebo and Sheila gift wrapped Uncle Earl and Aunt Donna's house. Then I let her see some of Tebo's music videos. She was very fascinated.

  Just before I left I asked her if she would hold my hand. It took awhile, but she slowly pulled her hand out from behind her neck and took my hand. I was overcome with emotion and the tears came. I put my head down because sometimes tears bother her. So there I was with my eyes squeezed shut, I felt her hand patting mine and squeezing it and patting it again. I felt so mothered. It was a precious moment. I peeked at her and once more saw those blue eyes looking full in my face.

   I was so glad I went that morning.

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Going Back in Time

   Last week I went back in time in the most incredible way. I always secretly liked stories of going back in time, but since it isn't possible in reality I sort of restrained myself. Sort of.....that's why I say I secretly like it.

   But last week going back in time became reality for me, and I loved it! It was bitter sweet, because it took my Uncle's funeral to get me there. I wish it could have been that long overdue visit instead. I have lost a lot of uncles and aunts in the past 15 or so years. I mostly only went to visitations when they were close enough or not at all if they were far away. But when Uncle Sam passed away I really wanted to go because I have so many precious memories of time spent at their house and fun times with my cousins.

  So we, Steve and I decided to take the risk of taking Pop down to AR for his brother's funeral. At 87 it is a bit risky. Pop is a tough, determined person and he thought he would just be fine driving the 12 hour trip straight through. He did okay but he is getting older and things are harder for him. He was pretty tired when we got back. 

  There were so many things that I have forgotten....... I forgot that they sang German songs, My memory replayed the German prayer phrase after phrase, even though I didn't understand most of it. I had a flashback of when I was a child when I heard the words Gnauty Gottes.....and remembered wondering why they were calling God naughty.  I now think that means Gracious God or something like that. 

    When I mentioned to Phebe that Gnauty means Grace, she got that lightbulb look and replied that she now knows the perfect nickname for her little sister Merry Grace.

  They did have a very good message that I could understand, in English. And lovely English singing in perfect harmony as well. Although I can understand all of the PA Dutch, just not when they read, sing or pray in German.

 This is only a small fraction of all the cars that were at the funeral. I tried to be very discreet with photos as I know they don't like having pictures taken.

 I took this one at a distance so as not to be able to tell who is who there.

   I wish I could have stayed longer. To visit all the places my cousins,  Darwin and I used to go to. To once again drive with them through the beautiful winding roads of Eureka Springs. But, since we are not kids anymore and have other responsibilities it just wasn't possible.


  Pop fell today at the bank. He thought there was only one step out of the bank where there was actually two. He had forgotten his cane again. He forgot to take it to AR as well. I thought that if mom was in her right mind she would be making sure he had it with him. I am still learning what he needs.

  He said his chest was hurting and it affected his breathing. Tonight I ran over to see how he is doing and he said he was feeling much better. The pain was better and it was easier to breathe. Darwin calls him every morning and evening, so he will be keeping tabs on him.

I Miss the Mom I Used to Have

   Phebe, Merry and I went to clean Pop's house today. We needed a heat gun for a project at home, and I knew mom used to have one to use when she made cards. So I was looking around to see if I could find it.

   Everywhere I went were memories of who mom used to be. I found a stash of cards that she was so fond of making. I rummaged through her stashes of fabric she planned to use in a quilt or maybe a dress she was planning to ask me to sew.

  I missed her a lot .It's such a strange situation to be in. She is just a shadow of her former self. The only thing that is remotely still like her is her body. Although she has aged tremendously and lost a lot of weight. Her mind is nowhere near who mom is.

  In my minds eye I can still see a mom who cared about my life. Loved her grandchildren, never missed a birthday. Loved to bake pies. Loved to laugh. It's been eons since she called me on the phone.

  She never missed an appointment, always had meals on time. She loved to shop and go out to eat. The best thing about mom was she was always there, and you could always depend on her to have a bucket of ice cream in her freezer. I miss her........

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Mom on A Wednesday

     I met Angie on Wed at the nursing home to visit mom. When I first got there mom was really sober and pretty much just tolerated any try at interaction. It was pleasant that Pop was there because I could at least talk with him.

  When Angie got there she brought mom a cookie. Mom took it immediately and started eating it. I could tell Pop was nervous about it. He watched her like a hawk.

The nursing home has been giving Dad a meal whenever he comes in and feeds mom. Last week one day he had chicken and mom grabbed one of his pieces and tried to eat it. She ended up choking on it. So he's pretty concerned about what goes in her mouth. She is mostly on a pureed diet.

I gave her the soft Teddybear to hold and she loved it. But after she had the cookie she just wanted to bite the bear. Before I left then I gave here an activity blanket they had there in her room. Activity blankets have trinkets to keep them busy. Like pockets, zippers, buttons and different textures to feel. She worked at the zipper for awhile and seemed very interested in the square itself. She loved to piece quilts in the past, it appeared like there was a memory there.

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Are There Any Changes?

  Friends often ask how mom is doing. I find that question difficult to answer. Does she know us? I don't know. Sometimes, but not in the same way. Once again I wish I could see inside her mind. Like I told one friend who asked recently, no one has ever recovered from dementia who could tell us how it felt, or what it was like.

  Mom basically does nothing. She sits all day. Either in her recliner or wheelchair, is taken to the dining room and fed. Her hands are beginning to curl in. She keeps them tightly clenched. She still smiles at kids.

I saw her reach for Dad's hand today. He sat there and held her hand in his big comforting one. I don't know how that affects her mind, but I do think it has to feel normal to her. Even if she doesn't rationalize it.

The nursing home has offered Dad a free lunch for coming in and feeding her and eating with her. I think it is good for both of them.

  I recently read a book about a women who had Early onset Dementia at 50, the title is A Vow to Cherish. It is fiction but very interesting anyway. There is also a movie by the same name. You can watch the whole thing on YouTube. I cried through a lot of it. The book and movie aren't totally alike but both depict Dementia quite well.

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Roses For Valentine's Day

  I ran into town today and we ended up at Walmart. As we walked in I told Phebe that with the weather being warmer and the fact that we were there by ourselves without any kids to watch out for the temptation to spend money would be greater. Kind of like you feel like celebrating for some reason.

   So I told her, "Now don't let me spend money in here on anything that is not on my list" She laughed and committed to at least trying to stop me. Now I am not a big spender usually. But I know the feeling when I really feel like I could :) I learned from Grandma Kropf how not to spend money. You just don't do it. You don't buy stuff you don't need.

   But of course we had to walk right past the men's clearance sale. Everything is on sale there and Steve and the boys badly needed new dress shirts. So yes I did buy one for each of them. We walked on.....the women department has clearance sales too! I stopped, I looked, I longed after a sweater which thankfully was a size to small or I probably wouldn't have resisted. But I walked out of there with nothing!

  I took a quick run past the coffee hoping they had organic, which they didn't, so I was delivered from that temptation right away....no stress!

  We breezed past the Valentine's Day candy but it was so picked over and no dark chocolate, so who really cares. Then would you believe, I was so unprepared for this. I came upon a whole table full of marked down roses! So beautiful! I was so drawn to them. Phebe mentioned that she wasn't doing well at keeping me on task and I told her I was thinking of Grandma and her "Awww! Grandma loves roses" was my undoing. I bought them....and I am so glad I did.

  Mom loved them!

 I knew she likes to hold her flowers so I pulled just one out for her , she held it and looked at it and sometimes she would get a little smile. I liked that.

  Before I left though I traded the rose for a super soft Teddy Bear she has there, because I don't want to leave her alone with a rose. I'm not sure what she will do with it and I don't want her to eat it.

 She held the bear and padded and stroked it. She really liked that too. She likes to feel the softness and that bear is incredibly soft.

  I left before Dad came in, he said he is changing his visiting pattern a little because they want him to feed her in her room. Something about she sticks her tongue out when she eats and they think she is biting it. Dad said someone is coming in to check it out.