Ducks!

Monday morning found Pop having one of his unique driving expierence's, the guys were busy in the shop when Grandpa walks in puffing...I have some ducks, who will come help me with my ducks? 

The boys were like...ducks? Ya ducks, I have them in my van he replied as they headed for the door, where's the van Grandpa? Noticing it was no where to be seen. Oh it's up the road at the corner, you'll need to bring a truck and tow rope....oh so what happened? They asked, he smirked just a little as he tried to explain how he was rounding the corner on SR and there right in his path were three ducks out on their morning stroll...he nailed'em all! Poor things

So they jumped into the rig and headed up there, sure enough there it was, ole Wrinkles the Honda Odessy, tottering on a snow bank and the guys smiling and Gramps explaining😄 

The best I can tell, Pop saw the ducks,nail'em and thought they shouldn't be wasted so loaded his trophies into the van and proceeded to turn around and somehow the mirrors didn't show everything and he wound up off the road...teetering...so he walked and puffed his way to the previous owners of the ducks ( they were his now) and they gave him a ride to our place so he could get help.Next it was  Grandsons to the rescue.

He was soon on his way in to see Mom, he was quite tired out from his Duck Dynasty episode but I'm sure he told Mom all about it and she most likely just looked...maybe smiled a bit probably thinking, Oh Pop what next! 

Below the rest of the Story...

Ellamae and Dolan doing the duck honors...Thanks Grandpa!

Fun Photo

Galen and Darwin having fun with mom. It looks like mom still remembers some things :)

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It's Christmas Time Again

  The kids and I stopped in to decorate mom's room for Christmas on Thursday. I took a painting in for her that had hung in Grandma Knopf's living room for as long as I can remember. I always loved it.

  It's a winter scene. Everything is black and white. The snow, trees and frozen creek. The sky is a heavy with unsnowed, snow. Then smack in the middle is a red house, the roof is deep in snow. It's beautiful! But then I love winter.

  When I showed the painting to mom, she got this huge grin on her face and I'm pretty certain that she remembers it.

  I wound a string of white lights around the painting and now it has a lovely glow.

Last evening all our kids came home for our family Christmas gathering. It was so much fun. We had a couple birthday's in the mix as well. Grandpa and Blake have birthdays on the 21st and the 23rd. The kids and I gave Steve an ice fishing shanty.

  This morning all the kids that were available came back for brunch and then the guys had some quality guy time while us girls ran in to the coffee shop where Phebe works.

  This afternoon Matt's and us went in to the nursing home to see grandma. Dad was there too.

  Now it's evening and the house is quiet with only six of us left here at home. I end the day with a thankful heart. It has been good.

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My Visit with Mom Today

Mom with her flowers and cookies

Mom and Dad holding hands

Dads eye is looking better

     I made an unplanned visit to see mom today.

      I was buried this morning in coffee, my Bible and prayer. I had spent some time with God in the last few days. Letting go of things I can't hold on to. I found the presence of Jesus comforting. He has a strong hand. He holds all the things that I can't.

So as I sat there, just thinking. I got this inspiration to run in and see mom before tomorrow, (Thanksgiving) I knew with having a houseful of visiting relatives I wouldn't make it in there anytime soon.

  I stopped in at Family Dollar and bought mom some Windmill cookies and then on to Wal mart for a Fall bouquet.

   Mom and I and Windmill cookies go way back. I remember having them one afternoon, one of my earliest memories. We were in her bedroom eating cookies then we were going to take a nap. Well she was a lot more tired then I was, so when she dropped off and started snoring, (sort of) I just kind of crept away.

Windmill cookies always make me think of the time I ran off on mom!

  Pop came in while I was there, so I took a picture of his eye so you can see how much better it looks.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

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Dad Has Surgery

   Pop has had a sore on the side of his face that just hasn't been healing. I'm not sure anymore when we first noticed it. He would try different ointments and some seemed to help but it just never went away.

  When he was in the hospital with that last bout of Pneumonia , I asked the Dr. about it and he said it's Cancer. Well actually he said it's a Basel Cell Carcinoma. Which spoken in English is interpreted to mean, It's skin cancer. The Dr. said it is no big deal but it should come off. He showed me some online images that looked just like it. For which, I have spent the last 15 minutes searching for so you could see how it looked, but to no avail. I saw every other image possible of skin cancer out there, but not that particular one. I am very sorry now that I didn't take a picture of it while he still had it so you can see what it looked like. But since I don't have one I shall now have to use a thousand words instead.

   When it first started it was sore looking, red and oozing. After time it evolved into a dime sized sore. Still crusty, flaky and oozy. The last time I looked at it, just days before his surgery it had thickened to depth of a dime.

  So here is a picture of how he looked the morning after surgery.
                                                                           

   I asked him if Mom noticed it when he went in to see her. He said no, it didn't affect her one way or another. She just didn't comprehend it.

How Does She Compare to a Year Ago?

  
    I decided to go back and see what I was writing about Mom a year ago and I found these words......

   "Dementia is really tough. You take care of the body of a person who is no longer there. I don't let myself dwell on it most of the time. But when I do it makes me incredibly sad. I don't believe Mom knows who I am. Maybe once in a great while she still gets a glimpse of reality. But I almost never get that Motherly affection anymore."

   Not much has changed really. I still say the very same thing. Although, these words are only more true now. When I wrote those words last year she was still knowing us a whole lot better than she does now. 

    It's hard to put into words. Does it make sense that when I walk in, her eyes widen a little but she is more interested in the tv than in me? She stares at the images darting in and out on the screen. Usually she has her hands tucked down on both sides of her and if I want to hold her hand I have to pull it out from being tucked in down beside her. She sits there like that all day. 

  My heart aches. Is there something we could do to keep her "here" mentally longer? I'm sure her body is slowing down because she definitely has lost function, i.e. toilet and walking skills. But it's obvious that her mind is leaving at a greater rate then what her body is.

 One of the biggest temptations I face is to distance myself. But I know I can't, staying away doesn't make it go away. I still have a mother that gets small comfort from holding my hand. I believe that, even though she doesn't show it. Staying away would only deaden the pain not heal it, and I know that when she is no longer here I will feel like I skipped out on her if I hide now.

                      Someone got her on a better day here. She looks more interested and alert.

                                                 A lounge room not far from Mom's room

                                               The kitchen

The new facility is still a source of encouragement to me. I feel very good about mom's new residence.

  

Thoughts

  I owe you all an apology, especially my uncles who look forward to reading a new post and glean through my ramblings for a word of how their sister is doing. My heart has not been on my blog or on writing. I have been struggling with guilt and dissatisfaction ever since Mom went to the nursing home.

  I suppose it's a normal occurrence. It wasn't always easy going to Mom's house twice a day to get her up and put her to bed. But I miss it. There was that emotional connection. It is so impersonal now to go visit her in her hard, institutionalized room. I know she has good nurses. But they don't know mom like we do.

  Mom is a super, super good patient though. She is ever so content to just sit there hour after hour with not a hint of discomfort or boredom. I would be going crazy about now if I were her.

  On Friday the 21st, the nursing home had open house for their new facility. So the kids and I met Angie there and took a tour. The new home is gorgeous. Just inside the front door you see walls and ceiling covered in raw Barn board with a fireplace to bring warmth and a restful welcoming aura.

  The first thing you find beyond the fireplace is a self serve cafe where they will have coffee and vending machines. Mom's room is down a series of wide hallways. The first couple turns take you through soft green passageways and then you find yourself entering a gentle yellow way. Each hallway has it's own private family room where they have comfortable looking chairs and great views.

   Mom's room is not huge, in fact probably a bit smaller then what she has now. It overlooks the courtyard which can also be seen from her dining room on the opposite side. She will have her own private bathroom with a shower. The bathroom floor must have a slight slope because the shower consists of basically a shower head coming out of the wall, a drain in the floor and a curtain to pull shut when you want to use the shower. I immediately thought of the disastrous floods we would have at our house with a system like that. But it should work fine with one old lady.

  There are a total of five beautiful kitchens in the new facility. I wish I would have taken pictures but I guess that can happen later. In addition to the private family rooms they also have very large open living rooms with more comfortable looking couches and chairs and big windows. The whole place just gives you the feeling of comfort. I took one look at the private family room and thought what a beautiful place that would be to come to for some solitude to sit and write.

  So over all I'm feeling much better about mom being in there. Moving day is Nov 3rd. Angie will correct me if I have that wrong. My brain picks up some details fairly well, but dates and times have a way of eluding me. Numbers just slip away, swirl and go down the toilet in the bathroom of my mind.

  I comfort myself with the thought that my mom was never that way. She was always prompt and never forgot an appointment. Meals were always served on time. I am like my Dad, who could function well with just a calendar and you thought twice about asking him to pick something up on the way home from town because chances were high that he would come home empty handed. Don't ask Steve how I do with that.

  I am reading a book on Dementia now that says that if you don't have an ability to do something, like for instance if you are direction-ally challenged is not an indication that you have dementia. The problem is when you have loss of information, not something you never had in the first place.

Dad in the Hospital

    Around midnight on Sunday morning Dad called Darwin saying that he had several bad coughing spells and felt like he needed to go to the ER.

  He insisted that he would be fine driving himself. So he did and he was admitted with Pneumonia.

  We had sickness at our house and so only three of us were going to church that morning. Larita called when we were on our way that morning and wondered how he was doing. I had thought I would stop in sometime after church but she advised me to go to the hospital first. I was glad I did.

   Dad is very independent and never asks for anything really. I look at him as quite capable even at his age. But he was happy to see us and I became more aware that he needs us to be there for him.

   The Dr. came in while we were there and so he was going over dad's medical history. Dad was telling him about his Colon cancer he had 20 years ago. How he'd had radiation first to try to shrink his tumor before surgery. Then after surgery they said they got it all along with his bladder, prostate and some of his colon.

After surgery they advised him to do Chemotherapy and dad asked them why he should if they got all the cancer and they replied that there was always a possibility that it could come back.

Dad said he asked then if they could guarantee that the Chemo would cure him completely and they said no,they couldn't do that, so then he asked them what would happen if he didn't do the Chemotherapy and to that they responded, "You will die."

  Dad went on with his story saying that he decided if they couldn't stand behind the Chemotherapy he would opt not to take it.

The doctor listening to dad's story surprised me with his response,
     " The chemotherapy probably would have killed you.

I remember hearing my dad say many times that God is in control of life, if your time here isn't up you won't die until it is.

     Dad is back home again now. His first stop after they released him was the nursing home to see mom. She is totally unaware of his hospital stay. No emotion whatsoever.

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Happy on Sunday

   We had a fellowship meal at church on Sunday. We sat across the table from my dad. When he got up to leave he stopped and asked me if we were coming in to see mom. I told him we were and he grinned and said, " I'm gonna prep her. I'll tell her you're coming so she can be happy to see you."

  He must have got it across to her because she was smiling big when we got there. She kept smiling the whole time and held my hand. Angie and dad both said she wasn't happy yesterday though.

  I didn't make it back in again this week. On Tuesday we had chickens to butcher, yesterday I painted our bedroom. I intended to go today but didn't make it. So tomorrow I will go.

  Isaiah salvaged a broken down side table from one of dad's sheds and brought it home. I wish I had a before picture, but I don't. It needed a missing piece and one leg was leaning in. It had dark old varnish.

  He painted it black with chalked paint, (not chalkboard paint) we made our own chalk paint by adding Plaster of Paris. Then he Modge Poged a map on the top. Looks kinda cool!

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Maybe Not Feeling So Good

I took Angie with me yesterday when I went to see mom. We realised that she had company when we walked in. Marvin and Londa were there. They had come to go to the sale barn just up the road from the nursing home, and stopped in to visit. Marvin said he just bought 40 calves.

   Pop said they brought mom's lunch to her room and fed her in there instead of taking her to the dining room. When the nurse came in Angie asked her about that and the nurse said they thought mom might not be feeling well. She had thrown up twice in the night.

 

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Visitors, a new room and a guest book

Mom has had a lot of visitors lately because of a funeral bringing relatives from out of state.

  I met my sister Larita there one morning. It was great to see her again.

  I didn't go to the funeral because Steve wasn't home to go with me and I didn't want to go by myself. Its intimidating to go to a funeral where there are a 1000 people who know who you are but you can't place them because you haven't seen the bulk of them for 30 years.

My relatives have this secret or maybe not so secret delight in asking if I know who they are just so they can watch me squirm. So I have decided that next time I'm not going to sweat it out.

  I'm just going to say, "You tell me who you are and then we will both feel better.

So after my mom got so many visitors the nursing home put her in a room of her own, which is way nicer! It's much more pleasant to visit her in a room with more space and we don't bother a roommate.

We got her a guestbook and its fun to see who has been there.

On Sunday our son Matt and his wife Kaitlyn went in with their little boys. Mom was very happy to see them and smiled a lot.

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Court Hearing

  On Monday Dad and I were scheduled to be at a hearing for guardianship for Mom. Since we never had a POA done while she still knew what she was doing and could still sign her name.

  I had never been in a court room before so it was very interesting. Very formal and slightly intimidating.

  But mostly I was interested in the building. Such beautiful wood, ornate carvings, massive stone columns and stonework. I felt like I was stepping back in time and would be sure to encounter fine gentlemen dressed in formal wear and elegant ladies dressed in beautiful dresses that though they are ornate and beautiful would sufficiently cover.

  As I sat there with Steve waiting till time to go in, I was drinking it all in. There was a beautiful staircase with lovely carved banisters. It was so delicious! Then I noticed someone had commited a crime. I really hope they are doing jail time for it.

  I noticed that over the top of a beautiful wooden door was an ordinary piece of fake wood paneling. Whatever! It looked like an imposter to me. I looked around at other doors and spyed another one with a square of ugly plywood. How could anyone do that? I wondered. I finally located a door that was original and found that there was actually supposed to be a square of glass above the doors instead of those ugly wood fillins. I complained bitterly to Steve, but he was only amused at my annoyance.

  You can't tell me the county can't afford a few pieces of glass to keep that building beautiful!

Inside the court room was awe inspiring. Huge rounded ceiling, wood everywhere, carved banisters,  beautiful tall windows with carved wooden doors that closed over the windows behind the Judge's seat.

I was glad I was only in there for a guardianship hearing and not something I was in trouble for. My mind went to the last judgement and I thought about when we shall all stand before the judgement seat of Christ to receive for the things done in the body, whether good or bad.

There's something about seeing a Judge that makes you think, ......and why do they wear black? Just a thought. This guy was nice though. He kept pulling on his beard when he was thinking. I guess it's OK for judges to wear beards. There was pictures of previous judges on the wall dating back to most likely the early 1800s. They all looked very sober and intimidating.

  That was my morning in court. We got the guardianship taken care of and I got to see the inside of a court room.

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Inside of Mom's Head

    I wish I could understand what goes on in the Grand Central Station of my mother's body. I know she knows us at least part of the time.

   If I didn't believe it was impossible I would think she's getting even with us and giving us the cold shoulder. It just isn't Mom at all to treat us so impersonally!

When I walk into her room I say Hi to her and she just looks at me like, do I care who you are?

   I was in her house last week. It was empty and dark. I walked through the whole house just thinking and looking. I missed my Mom. She just was not there. I saw her coat hanging on the hall tree and got this irrational urge to go give it a huge hug and hang on till I felt better. I didn't though, because I'm not impulsive. I knew it wouldn't help and if anyone walked in it would have looked very strange to be hugging a coat on a hall tree.

I have a mind image of Mom in the kitchen, wearing a cobbler apron and whipping up a cakemix, or maybe Potato Salad.

But my mother sits in the nursing home. Dosing in her chair and not caring if I'm there or not. My Dad and I sit and talk about almost everything. We talk about mom, about life, about God and about the coming election.  We are a comfort to each other I think.

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When Life Gives You Lemons

   Who doesn't like lemonade? That's what they tell you to do when you get lemons dumped into your life. Make lemonade. Oh well, it's probably good advice.

   My patience has been sorely tested lately with lawn equipment. We have had a lot of rain recently. Which is a God send for the garden. But the grass flourished as well and that's when the lawnmower decided to die.

   I decided at least I can go out and whip some weeds with the weedeater. I went out and pulled the starter string twice. It gave a promising firing sound but on the next pull I was left with a long string in my grip that wouldn't retract.

Oh bother! I ran the offensive machine down the road to my brother in law. He fixed it and returned it. I decided to try again. One yank and I stared in dismay at the long piece of string that refused to retract. AGAIN!

  Steve says run it in to the repair man. So I did. It took at least 3 days to get it back. They charged me 18.00. I took it home, eager to whip the weeds. Guess what? One pull on the string and I'm back to square one. AGAIN!

  I reluctantly ran the unruly machine back to the repair man again. He said he had replaced the spring but found he should have replaced a plastic flywheel of some sort. I picked it up the next day and brought it home and handed it over to my son to run. You can only imagine how sweet the music of that running machine sounded to my ear as weeds began dying like crazy out there.

  The very next day I sent my other son out to finish the job and I stretched out on the couch for a nap. I wasn't there long, just drifting off into sweet repose when my son burst in the door and shatters my sleep with the dreaded proclamation that the string once again refused to wind back in. AGAIN!

  I was tempted to be mad.....really. But God put his hand on me and told me to take a deep breath and wait. I said, "OK God, I'm giving that weedeater to you so I don't have to be bothered with it anymore."

   That took care of the anger. Tonight we had another thunder and lightning roaring downpour. I went out to retrieve God's weedeater that was still sitting where it had been left in the yard.

   I think I just found my recipe for lemonade.

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Whats up with Mom

 

                                  An old couple in miniature, sitting in the foyer at the nursing home.






   On Monday I went in to be with Dad in a meeting with Therapy and the Social worker at the nursing home. Therapy said they have done all they can with mom and she won't be getting any better than she is right now. Which means she won't be walking. They will only continue with therapy this week yet and then they are done.

  The social worker wanted to know what we are thinking about keeping mom there or taking her home. We know that we would need a lift if we took her home. They are using a standing lift at the home right now. Because she now has Medicaid they said she is welcome to stay there. We know that either way we will not make a decision until Angie gets back from her vacation.

   Dad realizes that it will take more man power than what we have to bring her home. I like the round the clock care that she is getting at the nursing home which is something we haven't been able to do at home. Even though Dad does a good job, one old man can't do what round the clock nursing can. Going twice a day to get her up and put her to bed like Angie and I were isn't really sufficient either.

  I understand now why Angie used to mutter under her breath about what the nursing home would be doing for her if she was there. Although I don't think any of us really wanted her to go there. All in all they have very nice people working at the home. I feel like Mom is being well cared for. I think they like her in there because she really is no trouble. She just sits quietly in her chair.

  When I got there on Monday morning she was sitting in her wheelchair looking a little droopy. She kept looking down and was holding a washcloth up to her face. The nurses had given it to her to wipe her face with.  I talked to her and tried to get some interaction going but she ignored me. Pop said I should give her the doll to hold, so I wrapped it in a blanket and gave it to her. She held it and snuggled it in her arms.

Acceptance

   The first week of mom being at the nursing home were hard. I kept feeling guilty, surely I should have been able to find a way to keep her at home.

   Even though I knew I wasn't mentally able to handle the 8 weeks of care while Angie was gone on vacation. Not physically either for that matter.
 
  I watch with wonder and envy at the ease with which they move mom at the home using the lift.

   This week has been good. Every time I went to visit Dad has been relaxed and happy. Mom seems a little brighter and knew who we were. She indicated that by looking at each one of us when Pop asked her to point us out.

My dad says she's better off at the home because she gets more constant interaction, she goes to therapy each day and gets moved oftener. He doesn't think she is unhappy there.

I'm feeling much better about it too. I'm not really surprised though that I had to go on an antibiotic for Lyme again. Too much stress sometimes brings it back.

   Although my doctor doesn't really agree, he says I get it again because I got a fresh tick bite. I'm not going to argue with him. Maybe he's right. I know the symptoms very well. I go from feeling energetic and fine to dragging with fatigue, feeling like I'm walking around carrying a hundred pound burden on the back of my neck, my muscles tense with pain and I can barely drag my feet from point A to point B.

   My brain feels like a radio station that just can't be tuned clearly enough for the music to be heard, and I feel like my judgement is a wee bit off.

  I'm thankful all this waited to happen until mom was safely at the nursing home.
  

  
  
  

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How Does Mom Feel about It?

   I wish I knew how mom is feeling about her nursing home stay. It is impossible to know. She does not show a lot of emotion. She will wince or frown if I touch a spot that hurts. But mostly she just looks at me with an uncomprehending stare.

  She seemed to like the "Ocean in a bottle" she turned it over and over trying to see the turtle. I though I got a picture of her with the bottle but it must be on my phone, so instead I posted pictures of my two new grandbabies!

Maybe a better title for this post would be, How do I feel about mom being in the nursing home. I mostly don't like it, but while we are on the subject, I don't like Dementia either.

Having mom at home is much better on the emotions. But there are some positives, at the nursing home she gets around the clock care and she goes to therapy everyday. I think Dad is adjusting too, but the first week was rough on him.

  Mom still responds well to kids. Even though she largely ignores me, she will still light up and smiles at the children.

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Ocean in a Bottle

  Yesterday when I went to see mom she was very agitated. Dad said she was grabbing things and making it hard to feed her.

  Later that day I was browsing on Pinterest and I found a recipe for calming bottles. They were using them for kids, but I thought it should work as well for a person with Dementia.

  So today Merry and I put one together for Grandma. I chose the "Ocean in a Bottle" because it sounded relaxing. And for a little special touch I bought the little Sea Turtle "Squirt" to put in the bottle. That way we can watch him swim.

  I bought everything I needed at The Dollar Tree. A bottle of sparkling water, to reuse for the bottle, veggie oil and the afore mentioned sea turtle.

It's a very simple process. Fill the empty bottle 1/3 full of water and 4 drops of blue food coloring, shake and fill the bottle the rest of the way with veggie oil. Last of all squeeze the sea turtle in. He comes attached to a rock but I easily twisted him off and discarded the rock.

Super glue the lid on so that it won't come off, and your done!

  Tomorrow I will see how Mom likes it.....

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Out of Rythm

  When you get used to a pattern in your life then changes feel really weird. We got home from vacation on Sunday evening, so this morning I went to the Nursing home to see Mom. She was very sober. She didn't lighten up at all except I got her to smile for the second picture I took of her.

  I showed her pictures on my Kindle just to give her something to think about. She smiles at pictures of her grandkids but when we got to a picture of me she just stares at it. Sober as a judge. I started to wonder if she was blaming me for this nursing home stint. But Larita said she responded to her in the same way.

   Tomorrow I will go in at 9am to comb her hair, we'll see how she does then. I plan to stop by the house and get some things she is familiar with and see if that makes her happy.

I had to chuckle a little tonight at Merry. After a long day of laundry and pulling weeds in my garden I decided to soak my feet before I go to bed. Merry took the opportunity to help me. She grabs the foot brush and goes to work.

On this particular footbrush is what looks like a cheese grater in miniature. She proceeds to use the thing on my heel and when I flinched she says,
  "Don't be a wimp mom."

  She continues with her grating job and gives me a look and says, "Someday you'll thank me."

  Aha! I laughed, maybe I understand my mom just a little better now!

   It will take awhile for me to get used to the new pattern. I always feel like it's time to run and put mom to bed and then realize that she isn't at home. Most likely she is adjusting to the new rhythm too!

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Changes

  I can't believe all these things are happening to mom while I am on vacation. But in some ways maybe it is at the best time. This way she's being cared for at the hospital, and I don't have to worry about Angie carrying the weight of care by herself. 

  So I have come out of the wilderness to do laundry and discover that the laundrymat has free WiFi! Oh joy! And so when I think of you, my relatives and readers, who deserves an update about mom before I check email and fb? Well, you of course!

  I'm not there in the fray, so I have to report what I hear rather than firsthand info. My Dad said last night that her numbers are good and she will be discharged before long to go to a nursing home. I'm not sure how she will respond to that change. Angie said she is pretty agitated in the hospital.

  It's interesting how things go. We were looking at putting her in the home for the 8 weeks that Angie will be gone because of her difficulty with walking, I felt I couldn't handle it by myself. There were a lot of hoops to jump through. Now because she ended up in the hospital she will go to the nursing home from there and medicare will pay for it. There is still a mountain of paperwork. We have to go through a lawyer to appoint a guardian because we never got the pow for health done when she was OK. Some how we never thought mom would be the one to need it this soon. If you don't have this done, then get it done today. It will save you a lot of headache.

 

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They Admitted Her

Mom has been admitted to the hospital. The Dr. said her Cumidun levels are way to high. She doesn't have a blood clot but rather is bleeding inside her leg. He explained that her situation is difficult because her one leg needs the Cumidun but the other one doesn't. They are taking her off to try and bring her numbers down.

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Possible Hospital Stay

  The swelling in mom's leg has been getting worse and we are thinking her leg is what affects her walking. Angie and I have not been able to handle her anymore. On Wed. evening we had to get Isaiah in to help us transfer her from wheelchair to bed.

Today Angie talked to her boss at the Nursing home she works at and she strongly feels like mom has another blood clot. I was leaving for vacation so I called Darwin and briefed him in. They evaluated mom this afternoon and decided to call the ambulance.

So at the moment mom is at the ER with a high possibility of being admitted. I just contacted Angie and she said they are doing an ultrasound on her leg.

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Just For Fun

 Angie and I noticed last evening that Mom's other leg is really getting swollen by the end of the day. Not the leg that had the blood clot but the other one. This morning it was still looking a bit swollen. So we are wondering what is going on. Of course there is no way I want to think about the strain of taking her in to the Dr.

  I grumped to Angie about it,
       " I wish Dr. Richardson would do house calls."

Ever practical Angie says
      "We aren't living in that Era anymore! You want to do without your computer?

me: YUP!

Angie: "Your phone?"

me: YUP!

Angie: "Electricity?"

Now we're getting too practical here.

Me: "We-e-ll"

Angie: "Your van?"

me: Uh-h, no!, it would be pretty hard to come over here twice a day without my van.

...and I'm thinking, no way! if we didn't live as we do today there is no way we could care for mom in her own home like we do now. I saw quick visions of mom living in my house and having sole responsibility for her care. Um, no....... complaints retracted......

Angie with a huge grin on her face, got her point across....

  I decided to count my blessings and roll with it!

When Pain is Good

  There are some things on this earth that I don't understand. One of those things is Dementia. but I have been around long enough and seen enough to know that pain is good.

    My first real heartbreak happened when I was 17 and got dumped by my boyfriend that I really hadn't wanted in the beginning anyway. I was in need of wisdom and I received it through pain. I learned a big lesson about guys and how to walk away. I learned to hold on to my heart and not give it away until I knew the man was for real.

  Some of my regular readers will remember that our dog got hit on the road and suffered a broken pelvis. Ah! What a sweet dog she is, but she is not the same. She was always flirting with the road. She had a circuit around our yard that she ran regularly. She always made a huge show of bravery whenever we drove into the lane. Barking vigorously and racing out into the pines valiantly protecting us from some imaginary creature.

  After her accident she became a porch dog. Much more subdued and much wiser. She still runs her circuit but she is much more cautious, and since her accident she is a little stiff and can't jump up on us in that annoying way she did before she got hurt.

 So was her accident a good thing? Absolutely! She is a better dog today, and so are many of us when life throws pain our way. Another thing I notice about our dog is that she was never bitter or angry. She did the best she could with what she had left. I never saw a dog run like her. In the weeks after her accident she was still regaining the use of her back legs. She could go up a hill just fine, but coming down was awkward. She held both back legs an inch or two off the ground and ran downhill using only her front legs.

  There has been other pain God has allowed in my life that put me on my face in the presence of God, where I begged God for help and found that we walk by faith not by sight. Sometimes I took God at his word and stepped out into what appeared like nothingness only to find my foot on solid ground. I learned that in the presence of God there is fullness of joy. God has never let me down. He has given to me way more good things then I ever thought possible in this life and eternal riches in the world to come.

  Sometime I might put into words that story as well, but not today. It is not an open book yet. Only suffice it to say that what God tells you in his word is true and that when you prevail in prayer for someone you love more than life, he does answer your prayer and in the process spills some on you as well.

  As we see mom continue to get worse, I know there is pain ahead. I dread to see her continue to weaken. To eventually be bedfast. Thinking of the future is much harder to deal with then the present. So can I just leave the future in the hands of God and live today?

   Her condition at this moment is that walking is getting more and more difficult for her. We now mostly are transferring her from bed to wheelchair to toilet to chair and then all that in reverse at the end of the day again. Tonight when Angie and I went to put her to bed she had scooted so far down in her recliner that it was impossible to lift her up onto her feet to get her in her wheelchair. Thankfully Steve had gone over with me and he helped get her up.

At this point I don't see a lot of good involved with the pain of watching my Mom leave this world by inches. Someday I may view it differently.

 

Life Keeps Moving

On Friday evening Phebe and I put Mom to bed. When we went to help her out of her chair she braced herself and resisted us.  She had a scared look on her face. I really think she is stuck on her normal helpers. She doesn't like change.

  It might be a good idea to have a regular rotation so that she becomes accustomed to more caregivers.

  The kids stayed with mom this forenoon. While they were there they planted potatoes in the garden.

In a Perfect World

   I wish I had something profound to write about today. If I wrote everything I want to this post wouldn't be fit to read. It would be too full of impatience and frustration. I want you all to know that we are real people though.

  Suffice it to say that in a perfect world I would never have to juggle schedules and try to keep everyone happy because in a perfect world there would be way more volunteers than needs.

  How did I ever deserve to be the youngest child? Okay, that was mostly spoken in fun....(mostly)......don't ever let anyone tell you that the youngest is the spoiled one. After all the youngest one will be one of the few that doesn't have a bad back by the time mom ends up with dementia.

  Thank God I have Merry, but woe to the family member that doesn't carry the load when she is in charge. She is at 8 years old the no nonsense kind of girl that takes charge and tells everyone what to do. I will be safe in her hands! LOL!

  Maybe that is enough rambling now, and I need to get to what I really want to say. When I look at how I handle life then I want to retreat into the secret place of the Most High. I want to spend time in the presence of God and claim the mind of Christ. To think like he does, to let the pressures of this life flow off and away. To love my neighbor as myself and not allow myself to give in to stress and the things that from my vantage point don't look good at all.

  It is a refining fire, this thing of Caregiving. God have mercy! I hope Mom doesn't have to live on this old earth until I learn all my lessons.

  The only reason I am writing all this is because I want to be real.  When you read this blog things look like they are going well and they are mostly, but we are human beings. It reminds me of what a friend once said. When you see a duck on the water it looks like it's all good and serene on top, but there's an awful lot of paddling going on underneath.

                                                   Merry, getting a smile out of Grandma

                                     Combing Mom's hair, Angie is putting her socks on her feet

Music Speaks to the Soul

  We invited some friends over on Sunday evening with the intent to take them over to sing for my parents.

They had been singing as a family for many years but now most of their children have left home. But they still sound great and we had a wonderful evening.

Mom loved it! She had a huge smile and kept her foot going with the music all evening. They sang a lot of familiar songs including the Louvin Brother's, Drunkard's Plea, mom always loved that song.

At 8:00 I knew there was no sense trying to get her to bed, there was no way she would have been ready, We waited till 9 and then she was OK with it.

It's amazing to me how I can stand right in front of my mom, make eye contact, ask her a direct yes or no question and get a blank stare. But when someone comes with a guitar and a song she lights up like a lightbulb and keeps time with the music.

A huge thank you to Jim, Gina and Sara Hershey! Thank you for lighting up mom's life for an evening.

              Sorry, the pictures turned out a little dark, but hopefully you can still see well enough.

This is progress!

 In caring for Mom the past year, she has been going backwards inch by inch and I never thought I would be able to say we are making progress!

  Since Mom's bloodclot episode, Angie and I have been helping her walk, one on each side.Finally she started just dragging her feet....literally! She has put new meaning to the words. We couldn't figure her out. Her legs were perfectly normal. We thought maybe her leg was going numb from staying in one position all night. But then she also drug her feet in the evening when we took her to bed. She actually went down twice when she was being walked.

  We were really discouraged and Pop was getting depressed with it all. So on Wed. morning, Angie decided to see if she would use a walker. I thought it was a lost cause. But she really surprised me! She took right off and has been walking pretty good with minimal help.

  Tonight she walked pretty much by herself from her chair to the toilet, then when we got her back up to go to bed she didn't stop at the bed. She headed right back out to her chair and sat down. She smiled real big when we laughed at her. She went to bed then willingly, but I think she is happy with it all. I wonder if she got sick of being helped and decided to "drag her feet".

  She gave me a great big hug after she was in bed tonight. It feels really good to have her on her own feet again.

Mother's Day!

              Happy Mother's Day to my Mother. Even though she doesn't know today is the day!

  Last evening when Angie and I went over to put Mom to bed she was sitting in her chair holding a card she got in the mail that day. Dad said she was holding it all day. I took the letter from her and saw it was from my sister LaRita. I asked my Dad if he read it to her and he said he didn't so not knowing if she can actually still read I read it to her. She got a nice smile on her face and a light in her eyes. I could tell she was getting this. She was so tickled to get a card from LaRita.

  I think her happiness stuck with her all night because when we got there this morning she was actually ready to get up. Usually she pulls the covers up to her neck and looks like she hopes she can stay there. Like, what do I have to get out of bed for....This morning she looked eager and would have sat up with out help if she could have. So a card in the mail makes a lot of difference to an old lady.

  About whether mom can still read or not. I did a test on her recently. I took her little white board and wrote on it. "I want ice cream" Anyone that knows mom, knows she always wants ice cream. So when she just stared blankly at that tempting little message I concluded that she couldn't read. But maybe that wasn't an accurate test. Like the scientist that concluded that if you take a frogs legs off they can't hear.

 They did a test...first they cut off one of his front legs and yelled, "jump!" He jumped, but not too far. Then they cut off his other front leg and yelled, "jump!" He jumped again, not too far. Then they took off a back leg and  yelled again. He didn't move very far but still moved a little. Finally they cut off the remaining leg and yelled, "JUMP!" He didn't move at all. The conclusion? Frogs cannot hear when you cut off their legs.



 

The Sun Rises and Sets

  Every morning the sun rises, every evening it sinks behind the horizon. Always faithful, always there. We depend on it. I suppose God never gets tired of the sameness of it. Faithfully every day.

  Every morning at 8am Angie and I go get mom out of bed. Every evening at 8:30pm we go again to put her back in. I guess we are part of mom's sunrise and sunset. Sometimes she seems happy to see us and sometimes she frowns.

  Yesterday the girls went over with me because we were going shopping at Aldi and the thrift store and they wanted to go along. Merry is always very engaging with Grandma. She talks to her, holds her hand and they make faces at each other. It's good kid therapy for Grandma. But I am often in a hurry and so I don't wait on Merry and just run off to get the job done. It was good to see them interact again.

  Last evening Mom was pretty much just dragging her bad leg and then we saw that her foot and lower part of her leg were really swollen again. I think we are going to have to keep that leg up again. Dad likes it down  because she's more upright and can eat better in her chair with out making as big of a mess and I think he forgets to put her leg up again after she is done eating. The nurse from Home Health care will be out soon again so we can discuss it with her too.


  I'm usually OK with the sameness of the routine of caring for Mom, but God has one advantage over me. He knows the end as well as the beginning. But come to think of it, I'm glad I can't see everything God can. I'm sure I couldn't handle all the information. I can't imagine what it would be like to know everything everyone in this world thinks and does.

Here is a clue from God himself about how he feels about all he knows.....

Psalm 7:10-12

 My defense is of God, which saves the upright in heart. God judges the righteous, and God is angry with the wicked every day. If he turn not, he will whet his sword; he hath bent his bow, and made it ready.

Psalm 34:15 
   Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it. The eyes of the LORD  are  upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry.  The face of the LORD  is against them that do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.  The righteous cry, and the LORD hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.


But let's not forget.....

Romans 5:8

“But God commends his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

Changes

Mom continues to improve but I wonder if she will ever get back to what she was before her blood clot.

  Her swelling is very nearly back to normal, but she still doesn't walk well. Sometimes we think she is doing great and the next day she's back to not so good again. She will be on her blood thinner for the rest of her life.

Dad has been hoping that she will improve enough so that Angie and I won't have to come as often, but I don't see that happening. I don't want him to strain himself. If he goes down, life will be much more complicated.

Tonight when Angie and I were there to put mom to bed I saw an Anacin box laying on the counter in the kitchen. So I asked Dad if he bought them for him or mom.  He said they were for him, he's having trouble with his hip. So I told him again not to strain himself trying to get mom up from her chair or bed anymore.

  We have made a difficult decision this week. Our family has driven an hour and 15 minutes for church for the past five years. With mom needing more care it makes it so much harder to get there. We have decided to attend Pop's church for now until mom is no longer here or no longer needs my help.

  We will miss our friends at church. Changes are not always easy. But I'm trying to learn to roll with the punches.

Five Days Later

  Mom is making progress. After 10 injections of blood thinner along with five days worth of oral blood thinner she is walking much better. We no longer have to feel like we're carrying her when we make the trek from bed to toilet to chair. We are getting braver and taking her a short distance from wheelchair to her recliner with only one of us assisting and she is handling it.

  She is not impressed with her injections. I can't say i blame her for that. Angie and I are both relieved that the Dr. cut it back to one a day and only until Thursday.

  The greatest blessing of all is that Home Healthcare is coming to the house to do her blood tests. Which means we won't have to wrangle her into the van anymore. It's next to impossible to get her to lift her bad leg into the van and on into the seat. We were having to get her in by sheer force of will and wit.

  I have been measuring her leg and it has finally gone down 1/4 of an inch. So naturally we assume her pain level is getting better as well.

 We were concerned that as her blood clot dissolved there would be pieces that break loose and travel up into her lungs. But the Dr. said she is out of the woods now. So a lot to be thankful for. She cannot really communicate her pain other than frown and grab her covers and pull them tightly up to her neck. So by her body language I would say she is feeling much better. She is smiling much more although she still hates the injections.

  Our dog got hit on the road last night. I took her to the vet today and found she has a broken pelvis. So now we have two patients. Grandma and the Dog. Neither of them talk, but body language still speaks.

 You should have seen the dog when her best friend cat came in this morning. Big smile and wagging the tail. She was the closest to excited that she has been since she got hurt. The cat's reaction? Typical cat. No sympathy whatsoever. Just walks in, doesn't say one kind word and helps herself to the food.

 

Today At The Doctor

  We took Mom to the Dr. on Wed and he said he thinks she has a blood clot. He ordered an ultrasound but our appointment was late enough that the technician was gone for the day already. So we needed to run in again yesterday.

I groaned inside.....it is no easy task to get Mom into the van. On Wed. we had Kristin to help. She is strong enough to bodily pick mom up. So with her help we actually got mom in the shower before we went to the Dr.

On Wed, I had a full schedule. We ran over at 9 am to get mom up and in her chair. When we left I remembered that we hadn't elevated her leg and so I told Angie I'm gonna call Pop and tell him to get that leg up. But my phone service was bad right then and by the time I got home my brain had flipped the page to the next job of the day and I forgot.

So when we got back to get her ready for her appointment, her leg was swollen as tight as a fiddle string and I felt terrible. The Dr. saw it at it's worst.

  We went back yesterday and it all went much better because we had remembered to elevate her leg that morning and it makes a huge difference.

Turns out the Dr. was right. She has a huge blood clot running from her knee all the way up through her thigh to the top. They sent us home with blood thinner that has to be given by injection twice a day and also warfarin given orally. You cannot begin to imagine how thankful I am for Angie's experience with giving injections. Even though she was kind of intimidated by the length of the needle she administered it smoothly and expertly I'm very thankful there's two of us.

                                                         Pop calls us his "good ole girls" 

It's not an easy job this care giving, sometimes the way gets long and rough. But there are rewards. A smile, a good laugh, and sometimes even a kiss.

  Last night we got mom up out of her chair onto her feet and we just stood there to let her get her bearings, we were telling her how great she was doing and she leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek. That was priceless!

Mom's Leg Issue

   When we went to get mom out of her chair tonight she really protested and frowned. We discovered her knee was swollen and warm to the touch. Her leg appeared very swollen when compared to the other one.

We managed to transport her to bed with the help of the wheelchair.  We elevated her leg with pillows. Put on an icepack and gave her Tylenol for pain.

We have an appointment at the Dr. So hopefully this can be resolved without too many issues. Handling mom in and out of bed, and her chair and the toilet leaves me feeling like I'm starting a new workout program.

Another bend in the Road

                                             The view from my parent's house last evening

  Some of you might remember that I mentioned Mom having difficulty walking and that her one leg seemed like it wasn't working as well. On Wed. Dad called Darwin and said he needs an evaluation and help to know what to do because Mom wasn't walking good enough for him to be able to move her anymore.

  I was on the way home from being with Steve on his route for a couple days. I spent a little time with my family then ran over there to see how she was doing. By the time I got there Kristin and Dad had put her to bed, so there was nothing to do then but wait until morning to see how she did. Angie and I would go get her up then.

  So when we tried to get Mom up the next morning she protested in her non verbal way and I was thinking for sure we'd never get her out of there. But Angie knows more then me about personal care and she felt like we really needed to get her out. So we got her into a sitting position and from there got her on her feet with sheer muscle and will power. She stood there very uncertain, but between the three of us (Dad , Angie and me) we managed to get her to the bathroom and on the toilet.

  Angie and I cleaned her up and dressed her and got her to her chair. I combed her hair and made her as comfortable as possible. When we left she was sitting on her recliner, footrest up, throw on her lap, looking as sweet as a rose. When we came back in the evening she was still there, looking the same, not a hair out of place. I told my Dad she looked like she hadn't moved all day and he said she really didn't. She slept a lot.

  Today Dad is going to get a wheel chair and we are going to use that to move her since we feel like we are practically dragging her as it is now. And it is hard on our backs anyway. No sense putting our backs out.

  I like the picture of the sunset. It reminds me of my Mom's life. It looks dark here...but ahead there is a blaze of light. There is always hope beyond this life.

Roses For Mama

    I walked into my parents house last week to find Mom with her lap full of roses. She was sitting there with a satisfied look on her face. My Dad said she won't keep them in the vase. She takes them out and lays them in her lap. She had two red roses, two pink ones and a yellow one. I exclaimed over how beautiful they were and she smiled big. I told her I especially liked the yellow one and she grinned and pulled the yellow one out.

   Today Larita and Clifford stopped in to see the folks and so I ran over to see them. Mom looked happier than I have seen her for a long time. She always looks at me either sober or frowning, but then I have to realize whenever I show up I give her a shower, wash her hair or trim her nails. She might have reasons to frown at me.

  Darwin came down too then and she pointed at him and smiled. I have thought many times that she just doesn't know me anymore, but she seemed to be happy to see Darwin and Larita. So  maybe she isn't happy to see me because I make her do things she doesn't like. I trimmed her nails again yesterday and she practically sat on her right hand to keep me away from it. Even though I always assure her that I won't hurt her. And for the record I never have. Which is more than I can say for her since she bit me during a shower recently. Angie says that is normal for folks with dementia. Just keep your arm away from her teeth. Lol!

  Or it could be payback for all the times I didn't hold still as a kid in church........ or when SHE combed MY hair.

 She was in a good mood though the day she had her roses. I took her picture and she grinned and tried to hide behind a magazine.

With Mom Today

  This past week I have been with Mom almost every day because Kristin was sick. So Phebe and I got to do the cleaning and laundry over there.

  I went over again today. I have been noticing that Mom doesn't walk as well anymore. She favors her left side. I'm not sure if her hip is hurting or what is going on, but she seems uncertain with that side. It gets a little scarier to walk her by myself because I worry that one misstep could put her on the floor.

  I spent last Saturday with her. I gave her meatloaf, scalloped potatoes and applesauce for lunch. I sat her at the table to eat and when I had my back turned she got up and was back in her chair before I knew she had left the table. I was thankful she made it back alright, but she only ate a few bites.

  She is also much more sober. I can barely get a smile out of her. She just stares at me with disapproving looks. Even Merry didn't get her usual hugs and smiles last time she was there with me.

  Today when I got there she had on a very messy bib. Apparently Dad had given her a snack just before I got there. I noticed she seemed to be harboring something kind of down beside her. At first I didn't pay attention but when I looked closer I saw she had a coffee mug there. She had her hand inside the cup. There was less than 1/2 inch of coffee in it. She didn't want to hand it over when I asked for it, but later she willingly gave it to me.

  I know it's not going to get any easier from here. I am thankful that I cannot see around the bend and I continually remind myself that God only requires me to walk through today.

More Snow

  It's cold.....minus 5 and minus 8 have been normal around here this past week. That is really not that bad considering that normally we would be having 20 below right now. But since we have had a milder winter, we are turning into Pansies.........which brings up a thought....why do we call what we esteem wimpish behavior being a Pansy?

  I have never seen a braver flower. They bloom early in the spring and smile through a skiff of snow. Why don't we call wimpy people Day Lillies or Poppies? Both of those flowers are here today, gone tomorrow....it would make much more sense but if doesn't sound right. "You Day Lily" or "You Poppy" just don't pack the punch that "You Pansy" does.

  So, if you get called a Pansy, don't take offense. That's one tough little flower.

    It was my turn to stay with Mom on Sat. morning but Steve and I had gone to Illinois for more books on Friday and staff meeting ended up running later than usual. We had a LOT of books to unload into storage at home before Steve could leave on his route on Monday. So I called Galen and he kindly took my place.

  It was also Mom's day for a shower so Angie and I headed over to the folks by 8:30 that morning.  Mom was somewhat uncooperative. We basically had to dress her without any help from her. You know how hard it is to get a sleeve on an arm that isn't helping. It's a push and shove situation. My Dad said she wasn't walking quite as well either the past few days. So I'm not sure if she isn't feeling well or if she just doesn't like early showers.

  Last Tuesday when we were there for her shower, I walked in and looked her over and told her it was time to trim her nails again. She didn't like that. She frowned, shook her head "no" and gave me a push with her foot. But she did pretty well then. I had to reassure her quite a lot that I would not hurt her and she allowed me to trim them without trouble.